Thunderstorms.....

ii have a post written but thunderstorms overhead means am stuck posting from my phone. while maanaged a couple in the past some new blackberry update killed my ability to cut and paste so use te email pst wrote until the storm moves on   stay safe everyonE

Plans.........

I apologize for my lack of updates. I have struggled with posting because I really wanted to write something fun and positive about my horses. The problem has been about all I can think about is pain. That's sure not been conducive to writing.

Even now as I type,  I struggle with what to write. I am torn between that force that draws me to horses and the one keeping me from them.

My intent for this blog has always been about education in one form or another. I have had strong opinions most of my life. Those I have regarding horses are no exception.

From my earliest days around horses I found myself championing causes I didn't even know others noticed. Not that anyone cared about my opinions in those early years but it only made sense that blogging would become a platform for the expression of those for me.

I have always thought much of the plight of horses had more to do with misinformation than outright meanness. The way I could see to combat the injustices horses still experience every day was to share my story both with its triumphs and its falls to maybe at least open up a conversation. There are so many ways that life affects not only the breed that I love, but the every day aspects of breeding, raising and training horses in this day and age.

While blogging I have tried to tell all aspects of my journey with horses. Life does not come sugar coated. To represent ir any other way would be a disservice to both the horses and those looking for information about life with horses.

In staying true to that goal, I guess it only makes sense that I should tell the story of what has happened to me these last nearly two years. It has, afterall, had a definite effect on my farm and my horses.

Every time I think about blogging I find myself fighting the words that want to come, trying to avoid the story that unfolded here. I have finally come to the conclusion if I ever hope to revive this blog I must submit to those words clamoring to reach the page.

Hopefully the telling of this story will help someone out there avoid the pitfalls I experienced in this fight for my life. It is after all one of the possibilities we all face in our journey with horses even though it is not one we like to think about and rarely plan for. As a result it makes us all the more vulnerable which is the last thing anyone needs in difficult times.

 If I have any readers left, you might want to brace yourself. This ride has been dark and ugly and it appears that is the only way the words will flow so that is how the coming posts will be. Hopefully, once I unplug this dam, the words will flow much more regularly than these past months.....

More to follow..............

Coping Skills.........A Little Racing Anyone?

How did nearly eighteen months being mostly restricted to the house lead me to 2013 Queen Mother Champion Chase odds ? It's funny how a little bump in life's road can open up unexpected doors. The road that led there was not what I would have wished but it resulted in a discovery that was quite intriguing.

During my illness I have spent a lot of time on the couch, captive to a debilitated body  beset by pain. I have always been one to push through by focusing on something and ignoring what hurts but with a body that couldn't cooperate, I found myself stuck with only my wits to solve this dilemma.

At first just having  the tv going in the background was enough to keep me occupied enough to tune out pain to a tolerable .evel. It didn't matter what was on as long as it was something low key. But once I hit the timeline, the surgeon used for me being back to my old self,  passed without resolution, I found myself requiring something more.

My inabilty to be mobile has had some side effects. I am experiencing severe withdrawal. Lack of horse time is causing a predictable  depression since horses are my physic fuel. Short of moving a horse, or two, into the house, I needed a serious horse fix so I began surfing channels, searching for something, anything that might help satisfy my need for equine entertainment.

Our cable provider does not carry RFD-TV, which really sucks, so that was out but I had hopes there was something else out there that might do. My friend, Bev, watches horse racing on her satellite service. I thought maybe I could find something equivalent to satisfy my horsey desires while I was restricted to the couch.

My search did indeed locate a racing channel. On it I have been able to watch all kinds of horse racing. Forms I have only read about in books were right there before my eyes. I found myself wanting to know more about these other equine activities which was a great supplement for my equine thirst.

Then I was contacted by someone about writing a blog post about horse racing. That opened a whole new door as I learned about the Cheltenham Festival and Paddy Power while searching on my Blackberry. (Now if I could only get it to allow me to load my reader and comment on blogs)

Who knew there was this great festival in Great Britain, sort of like Kentucky Derby week here,  that features a steeple chase, second only to the Grand National (remember National Velvet?)? Then to add a little excitement there is Paddy Power, the number one online bookmaker (Can we say Old Irish tradition through and through?). I am definitely intrigued. History, tradition, Irish bookies and horses....

Online betting is not legal in my state but I think I'm going to check out the odds, do a little research on the horses running and maybe get a friend to make a small wager for me at the track.    The race and its history has sparked an interest strong enough to  push thoughts of pain to the background for a brief respite. I am looking forward to the coming event and maybe even seeing it online.  Any of my friends know anything about favorites or past races?

Setback

I know I have been absent here.  The gap between posts tells the story. When I am silent, I am struggling.  Over the last month I have steadily gone downhill. These last two weeks I have felt as poorly as I felt six months ago.

During this time I have spent a few hours each day in the barn but I have pushed myself to do so. As much as I love the horses and want to be with them my body still fights me. After that short time outside I am done. My body aches and my brain turns to mush. I feel so bad I don't even want to talk and  anyone who knows me knows I am feeling pretty lousy when I have no words. It feels like I am going backwards instead of forward. That possibility really frightens me.

I never imagined when I began my journey with horses my health would be an issue and having it turn into one really caught me off guard. The welfare of my horses has always been forefront in my mind and I measure my progress in what I can do for them. This latest setback matters most in how it relates to them so I need to understand what is behind it and fix it if I can.

I have become used to the ups and downs of my recovery. It seems like a step forward is often followed by two or three backward so the idea of bad days was not alarming to me at first. It was only when those days began to string together into longer and longer stretches and some unusual body aches surfaced that I realized this was not just another episode of me overdoing.

Looking back it started about a month ago. I was experiencing some unusual soreness in my abdomen,  both arms and shoulders, along with some weird little muscles cramps and twinges here and there and my pain levels were escalating.  The most obvous was the tightness in my shoulders and upper arms that soon digressed into sharp twinges if I moved my arms in certain positions. My other symptoms were not nearly as obvious because they mirrored symptoms I have already been experiencing, it was just the level of them that seemed to be building and I was convinced it was caused by me over doing in some way.

I fist noticed the unusual pain in my arms and shoulders a day here and a day there until it finally became a constant aching. The last two weeks I began to experience stabbing pains if I moved my arms anywhere away from my body.  By Saturday I found myself unable to flip an egg in the frying pan. Searing pain shot up my arm, to my shoulder and across my back and I finally realized this was not just a normal part of my recovery process brought on by me pushing myself.

Looking back over the last month for anything different that might have affected me only a couple of things come to mind. One is emotional and something I cannot fix but it still eats at me. The other is a new doctor and new medications so I explored those as a possible explanation for my current condition.

I checked the possible side effects of both medications and found symptoms I am experiencing there. I decided I would quit taking the offending prescription to see if those symptoms subside. Hopefully it will be as simple as that and I will be back on my feet and feeling more normal soon.

While this goes on I can't help but notice the horses are hairing up and the sun setting earlier and earlier each day. There was so much I wanted to do this summer and now it is nearly gone. I wonder what fall has in store for us. I was sure hoping I'd be getting some horses started this year.

Updates

It looks like, for now, we are out of danger. The Red Flag Fire Danger was lifted as of around noon today. The lightning predicted for our area did not materialize although the thunderheads did pass directly over us dumping lots of rain just a few miles from here.

We didn't see any of the rain but we sure could have used it. This place is still very dry despite all the watering. Temperatures have dropped by at least 20` and should stay that way for about a week but I am not taking any chances. I will continue to water and clean up what I can to keep my house and barns safe.

The last two years I have been unable to keep up my flowerbeds or my pastures so there is lots of growth that could fuel a fire. For now I will be devoting what time I can to fixing those issues.

While I am getting stronger by the day my stamina still sucks. I have days I can do a couple of hours working and even a day here and there where I actually getting a second wind that's good for an hour or two. I'm grateful for the time I get and I try not to fight the days it's just not there.

I am still struggling with pain although I'm taking about half the meds for it than I originally did. My stitches appear to be taking their darn sweet time dissolving and the pain won't end until they're gone.  My surgeon says they have been known to take longer than a year but they will be gone eventually, just not soon enough for me.

Seems like the more active I become, the worse I sleep. That part really sucks and definitely affects how much I can do and my pain levels. Stress also affects the pain and I have been doing what I can to eliminate that as much as possible but it still seems to be a hit and miss thing.

Overall the horses are doing great. Most are fat and sassy and I actually have a couple in the fat pen much to their chagrin.

I thought we had last winter's storm damage in the far field cleaned up enough to safely use so I turned some of the Leg's daughters out there. The grass was high and the mares loved it but they managed to get into trouble. Several had scrapes from who knows what so I have closed it down again until I can thin some trees, cut down blackberries and do more cleanup.

Rhet seems to have some permanent teeth coming in. The caps are taking their sweet time popping off. Rhet is not a good citizen at the vet so using him for a solution could cause other issues. Last time Thet was there he leapt out of the chute and they could not get him tranquilized.

Considering the fact those issues are clearly a matter of trust created by earing him when he was a foal, I am reluctant to put him through something I know will erode what trust I have been able to build. I'm afraid doing so will do irreparable harm to his trust and maybe even cause critical injury to him or us. It's just not worth it.

He is a little thin but not enough to worry. I am making diet changes with softer feeds and plenty of safe fats to help him while he's teething. He has no sharp edges, just the tooth bumps, so I will monitor him closely and continue working to earn the level of trust it will take to do vet work if needed.

The other problem we are experiencing here is the return of an old one from a few years back. During their time in my granddaughter's care, three horses developed a cough which I thought was caused by dusty hay.

Soaking the hay seemed to relieve the situation but it has returned again. All three horses are coughing again and this time soaking hay helps but does not stop the coughing.

I have been testing my hay regularly so I know mold is not the issue and the hay is pretty clean. It seems to be an allergic reaction of some kind exacerbated by the hear and damage done previously.

My stalls are mostly open to the outside and extremely well ventilated so they aren't the problem. Still I hope to pressure wash them all to clear out all the cobwebs and dust.

For now we are continuing to wet hay thoroughly and giving antihistamines  as needed. I am watching them like a hawk and will be doing what I can to determine the extent of the damage.. All three horses are doing well except for the occasional cough but the situation is extremely frustrating. I hate not having answers or permanent solutions.

The stallion with the behavior I described in the Parelli series (which I promise I will finish) has done a huge turn around. Most days I see no signs of the old behavior and when I do it is easily stopped.

I am not riding right now because of the clean-up work. Before that happened I was beginning ground work with a few horses, one of them, Trouble, and one that stallion and three other boys.

I didn't get far but Trouble was a star. Four times in the long lines and he was turning and backing beautifully. He absolutely loved the work.

I have also been meaning to post about My Favorite Things store. I picked a number of items that I might wear in the show ring that could also double for dress up occasions. I love the jackets and picked a skirt to go with them. I also tried to pick items for family members. The jeans are my favorites or Daves. There were dozens of other things I would have loved to add but we were restricted to twenty items.

Currently I am working on a fund raiser for the victims of the Cle Elum wild fire which is still not contained. The fairgrounds in that town are filled with animals and overflow is being sent to the fairgrounds in Yakima. Hopefully I will be posting details on that tomorrow.

For now, that will have to be it. There's been lots of other things going on but those posts will have to wait. I want to get back to the Parelli clinic before I forget what I wanted to say.

Wildfire Danger

Wildfires across the country have been all over the news. The worst has been here in Washington state with even the national news covering the fire in Cle Elum.

Some who know I am from Washington have inquired if we are safe and currently we are. The big wildfire getting all the attention is on the other side of the Cascade Mountains. However, the status of our safety could change anytime over the weekend.

Once the summer finally arrived here, it arrived with a vengeance. Temperatures have been a minimum of 10` above normal and the countryside baked in record time. Currently we're in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures in Seattle projected in the mid to high 90s.

Temperatures here have been running at least 5` above Seattle. if that's not bad enough thunderstorms are predicted beginning tomorrow. Being in the Cascade foothills, when they predict thunderstorms, we tend to be in the area that gets them.

These weather conditions have lead to wildfire warnings on this side of the mountains. As parched as my farm is getting, I'm taking no chances. I have all my sprinklers running and I'm soaking all around my house and my barns. 

I'm hoping I've soaked the ground enough I'll be able to widen the area I'm wetting down so if fire does start in our area my fields won't ignite from sparks.
I'll be keeping that up until the danger passes. Hopefully Mother Nature will be kinder to us than others across the nation but I must admit this is the scariest summer I have ever seen.

Last Friday..........

When I went to bed Thursday night I had no idea of the drama unfolding in Aurora, CO.  We had been caught off guard by an early appearance in a string of thunderstorms predicted to arrive early the following morning.

While thunderstorms are not uncommon here in early spring or late fall, the way we have experienced them this last week is unlike anything I have seen in my lifetime.  A low pressure system bounced between northern Oregon and southern British Columbia leaving us at the mercy of unstable air that fostered weather extremes all week long.

A week ago Friday night,  when this series of storms began,  a particularly fierce storm came through with the most unstable mass of air directly overhead. The sky exploded with light and sound as the extremes collided. The house shook to its foundation. Our ears rang with lasting tremors from being in direct proximity  of the electrical happening. Poor Sugar yelped and her serenity explode in that instant.

The storm hovered over our heads for over an hour before beginning to move on. Sugar's heart pounded out of her chest as strike after strike pummeled the area.  Her panting as worrisome as her thundering chest, I tried everything I could  to soothe her but nothing worked.

Delilah didn't look as traumatized but she had her own way of coping. She pooped in my room. I discovered that in the middle of the night. Both animals have been forever changed by Mother Nature's temper tantrum.

During the week long pattern of storms I discovered that Sugar's reaction was not a one time thing.  Even the sound of rain on the roof was triggering an episode.

I decided I would get something from the vet to help the dog should we have more storms directly overhead. However, a bad forecast left me thinking I had a day to get that done. By the time I realized a storm was coming our way the vet's office was long since closed.

As the rains poured Sugar's heart rate escalated so I ended up searching the web for something that might help even though I knew I should not be on the computer. I don't really like self medicating so I was very cautious but did find something useful. A post by a vet suggested putting the dog in a remote room(where outside light couldn't get in) and turning the radio up loud enough to drown out the storm. This vet also said it was safe to give melatonine to dogs and provided a dosage appropriate for Sugar. In addition to that I put a cold cloth on her since she appeared to be over heating from all the panting.

By the time I finally got to bed, Sugar was much calmer and actually resting. The storm had moved through but another one was not far behind. I figured I needed to sleep while I could.

Between hot flashes, lightning strikes, thunder and a leak in my roof I did not get much slumber. When the worst of the next storm hit I got up to check on Sugar only to find our power was out.

Dave had to work and I worried about his safety even getting there with the thunder cell right over us. Sugar got more melatonine and we turned the radio on to find out what the situation was with the storm and our power.

Flipping through the stations, I couldn't find anything about our weather. The bits and pieces of conversation  I was hearing slowly began to sink in. Any news I was getting seemed to be special coverage. Something unusual must have happened.

Trying to put together the details as I strained to hear the radio over the conversation in the room was slow in coming. My brain just did not want to compute how a midnight Batman screening could relate to the serious tone I was reading in professional voices on my radio.

Finally I asked those talking around me to cease, signaling with my hands I needed to hear. Something bad had happened. A feeling of helplessness washed over me and the blood drained from my face as reality sank in. How could that community be suffering another such senseless act of violence?

Stuck with only the meager details and mindless chatter of talk radio for information, I tried to glean what details I could. Such an aberration of evil is impossible to comprehend with nothing but the disjointed conversation of stunned commentators. How was I to make sense of Batman, Columbine and our own, Cafe Racer which had happened just weeks ago with nothing but radio chatter for validation?

The events of the last year have left me with a sense of powerlessness that I can not explain. Added to it the insane acts of violence perpetuated in my own community in recent months have left their own impression on my psyche.

 Josh Powell's blowing up himself with his two innocent sons happened a few miles north of here. The deranged killing of a park ranger occurred at Paradise just a few miles south. Next came the senseless murder in my county of Trooper Tony Radalusko. Followed by the massacre at Cafe Racer that left six dead in a day long killing spree that washed Seattle in blood from stem to stern just seven weeks ago.

 All this violence in one community seems impossible, yet it is here. It shakes me to the core and threatens my serenity. I want to hide out in the barn and never come out.

I find myself wondering if evil has somehow taken over my community. Then this new tragedy seems to say the world has gone completely nuts. How does one make sense of all of this?

Our power was out for most of the day and the thunderstorms didn't let up until late in the afternoon. With the help of the melatonine Sugar did better but I sat glued to the radio trying to glean what I could, struggling with those feelings of powerlessness.

I was relieved when the power came back because I could see for myself what others were talking about.   The ironies that this tragic event happened just a few miles down the road from Columbine where the first mass killing rocked our world in the early 90s and on the very day that Cafe Racer reopened after the mass murder there seven weeks ago did not escape me. Life can be so unfair but these ironies seemed more than anyone should have to endure. Victims re-victimized purely because of timing and proximity. My heart breaks.

As I began to understand the story unfolding before me the shock and horror began to set in. I found myself glued to the TV trying to understand the progression of things like somehow that would make the insanity make sense. I watched faceless victims become real, human faces reeling in the aftermath of the collision of their lives with a madman.

I am a person driven to action by misfortune. The way I cope with powerlessness is to take get to work. I do not know how to sit and wait but that's what I was forced to do. The only thing at my disposal, prayer........for the victims, their families, the community.....and the rest of us who find ourselves struggling with the reality there ate those among us who strive to perpetuate their evil upon the innocents around them. For now, it is better than nothing but I can't help feeling there must be something more I can do.

What do you do to cope with such tragedy?

Reminiscing on July 4th

 I spent the Fourth of July last year alone in the Critical Care Unit of Good Samaritain Hospital fighting for my life. I had experienced the pulmonary embolism a couple of days before and I was still struggling to breathe. My pain levels soared probably fueled by stress or quite possibly fear. My comfort level with hospital staff had been destroyed by one uncaring nurse and that only  fueled this process.

Unaware of the holiday,  I struggled like a cat trying to right itself in a fall. The reverberation of sound off bare walls and floors magnified the intensity of my situation. My very presence in the CCU guaranteed the aloneness that fueled my fear. Desperate for something to tell me my world could survive this latest onslaught against me, I feared for my horses, my family and my life.

I remember Dave and Lindsay were focused on other things so there was no chance that visitors would alleviate nor redirect this focus that engulfed me.   It was the only day of this hospitalization that I had no visitors. It was the day I needed them the most.

It wasn't until evening when an aid asked me if I would like to see the fireworks that I even realized it was July 4th.  Too sick to care about the beauty of the coming light show I declined her offer to move me to a vantage point. The fear of more pain stronger than my need for some kind of relief.

 I tried to sleep my way through the explosions and random glimmers of light that ricocheted off a wall outside my window. In a twilight state induced by my condition and pain lollets  I dreamed of my horses and saw visions of them intermixed with the second hand light show breaking sparkling outside.  It was a glorious but frightening reminder my thread to life was thin.

I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Instead I clutched at a small stuffed horse that had been delivered to me by a friend just hours after the PE had tried to suck my life right out of me.

I remembered the moment I saw that little Ty horse the overwhelming sensation it had arrived just in time. Needing something physical within my grasp it was an unlikely lifeline that I could clutch tightly and envision those beautiful Arabian horses that have fueled my passion.

As much as that sterile hospital room sucked the life out of me, the power of that one small gesture from a distant friend gave me the means to tap into the strength that comes from my herd. It was a Fourth of July I will never forget.

Considering the way I feel most days, looking back at last year's Fourth is a good dose of perspective. It's easy to feel sorry for myself because I am not back to full throttle yet but remembering where I was at this time last year helps me appreciate where I am. I may not be where I want to be but I am no longer fearing for my life and I have the strength to walk to the barn. Boy, is that a big improvement over last year.

I am still alone. Dave is working and the girls have gone off to enjoy the fireworks display at the Tacoma waterfront. I am grateful I have the strength to be the one home monitoring the safety of my horses as some neighbors shoot off illegal fireworks. The horses are peacefully in their stalls munching away on extra hay. For a change the sun is shining and a week of warm weather is promised. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll even get to ride a horse or two and tonight I will probably watch my fireworks on the TV instead of seeing them reflected off a hospital wall. I never imagine last July 4th that I would even get to see this day.

Mother's Day Reflections......... a Lifeline.........

While I can look back and use Mother's Day of 2011 as the most obvious turning point in my medical issues. At the time, being without healthcare,  I tried to convince myself I was fine.

I had been to doctors about these problems before. I'd been told my symptoms were a combination of stress and menopause but solutions that should have worked didn't. The symptoms had come and gone and I was hoping to be repeating again. Instead my health continued to decline for another 5 weeks before there were no more ways to deny it. I ended up in the emergency room on a Sunday night and by Monday morning I had been diagnosed with colon cancer and my life was on the line. I'd begun the telling of that story here


but go sidetrack with on going health issues. There's a lot of story missing in between there are now that I probably should catch you all up on at some point. It certainly explains my slow journey getting to where I am today.

It has only been in the last 2 weeks that I have begun to feel like I am making some real progress. The beginning of show season found me unable to ride, let alone show and I was pretty bummed over that. I felt like the world was passing me by and it wasn't helping my recovery one bit.

I am not driving yet and I probably didn't really have the strength to even be thinking about going to a horse show  but I decided I wanted to attend the Daffodil All Arabian and Half Arabian Spring Horse Show.  I have not missed a  Spring Show in over twenty years. It was bad enough I couldn't show, or work at the show. I decided going to watch was better than missing out.  Giving up on this one felt like giving up on my life and I really needed something to hang onto so I called a friend asking her to take me.

I did this a couple of weeks before the horse show hoping I wouldn't make plans with her and have them changed at the last minute. An opportunity arose for a back up plan so I set that up too. With two friends willing to get me there, all I had to worry about was my body actually being strong enough.

From the moment I first decided I wanted to do this, I was very careful not to push myself beyond my limits. I never really know when I'm going to have a good day or a bad day but one thing's for sure, if I push too hard, I'm done. I was determined to make it to Daffodil. It became my lifeline. For the first time I can remember since going into the hospital for my third surgery I was looking forward to something beside crawling into bed at night.

We went Sunday morning because my breeder friend, who I begged to take me,  loves halter. One of the classes I would normally ride was also in that session so I figured we could watch a little of her thing and a little of mine and by then I'd probably be done.

I didn't really talk this part over with my friend but I did figure she would be in no hurry to return home. I didn't really think about how early I would need to get up to be there for the morning session and I sure didn't think about the two hours it takes to get me comfortable so I can even move in the morning. Then it helped that the beautiful gray stallion from halter is a gorgeous western horse. I was able to convince my friend it was worth staying to to see the pretty, talented boy doing what he loves most.

My friend, however,  was worried I didn't have the strength to get through the wait between halter and my western class but during that time I got the opportunity to visit with an old horse buddy I hadn't seen in 12 years.  If I had listened to my body I wouldn't have even tried but I'd been wanting to see this horse since I'd first learned he'd been purchased by my friend and my heart won out.

 This beautiful gelding was one of my horse children back in the days I'd worked for the halter trainer, Eric Krichten, and the horse had won my heart with his kind disposition and beautiful face. I was pleased to know he now had a forever home and someone who loved him as much as I did. Although realizing "back in the days" turned out to be twelve years ago didn't do much for my stamina, just having Blaze's nostrils extend in recognition of my scent warmed my heart enough to give me strength to get through.

While I was up I stopped by to visit the Hat Lady where I learned very few of my friends had any idea I had even been sick.  In addition they knew  nothing of other rumors I had been told were rampant. Instead the spread appeared to be limited to those few people who would like to see me discredited so others won't believe what I have to say about their business practices and treatment of horses.

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by that.  By now I am fully aware that some had been trying to benefit from my vulnerability.  I guess I should have realized the suggestion of rumors circulating to discredit me were just another part of that whole thing.

I also ran in to my friend, the oncological radiologist. He lives in the hot bed of rumorville and he also knew nothing about my illness or rumors about my horses. It was good to learn it was just another manipulation even if I have begun to feel like I have been fed upon by vultures.

To be continued....................

Recuperating......... Sort Of......... Pushing It........

Part 1




I wouldn't have moved from that prone position if it hadn't been for the excruciating pain my body was in. I'd been so focused on riding I'd overlooked taking my meds at the specified time and that had been hours ago. The grin was replaced by this too frequent reminder that my body was still a mess.

Thankfully that location in the living room is still set up like a nurse's station. There was everything I needed right there. I only had to pull myself up to a sitting position long enough to swallow my pills. Then I flopped back down waiting for the drugs to take affect trying to focus on the memory of my ride instead of the painful state of my body.

It was dinnertime by now but I was too exhausted to eat. Dave lectured me about the necessity of meals if I am ever going to get out the other side of this thing and I was too tired to even argue the point. He brought me a plate and I just laid there looking at him. I didn't have the strength to sit up again.

He shook his head in frustration as he walked off with the plate. Then he came back and sat next to me holding my hand until I was finally able to drift off to sleep.

I awoke a couple of hours later and managed to eat my dinner then. Most of the evening I dozed on and off until my usual bedtime rolled around.

I actually considered crawling into bed fully clothed because I was to tired to undress. Dave saw the expression on my face and realized my dilemma so once again stepped in to be my nurse maid. Without his help I probably would have slept in my clothes.

I was pretty much down for the next two days. My pain was unmanaged and I slept most of the time. When I was awake all I could think about was riding.

That first ride happened sometime in February. Despite how difficult it had been, I tried to ride each time the weather was suitable.  Again I tried to rely on getting help to tack my horse up but that wasn't working.  For my second ride I got my horse ready myself except for throwing the saddle on. Dave did that part for me.

The next time I got frustrated waiting for Dave to be available so I decided I could saddle my own horse. Turned out my knees began to quake as I tried to lift my saddle above the horse's head. I ended up bracing the saddle against Legs to prevent dropping it which only worked because my horse obliged my effort and did not move off the pressure.

 Somehow I managed to shimmy the saddle up and over onto his back holding the pad in place with one hand while using the other to shove  the saddle upwards. My horse stood quietly for this whole process. Tied to the horse trailer he could have easily stepped away and left my saddle in the dirt.

I did manage to get the saddle in the right position. Doing so had been so difficult I realized I was far from being ready to saddle my horse alone. While it sure didn't feel like it at the time, this was probably a good thing. Having to wait for help put time between my rides.

The only resistance I got from my horse in any of my rides came in the form of refusals accompanied by a very careful, small buck while he was under saddle. The first time he did this was when I tried to ride with no one around.  The horse shook his head at me and did the smallest of bucks. I pushed him through it but the horse made it clear he thought I was the naughty one.

Then one day I asked him to jog when it was pretty wet. I got the same kind of refusal, complete with head shaking. I had been thinking it might just be too slick to be jogging so when the horse resisted I decided to listne to him and we just walked. Two days later and much drier he jogged immediately on request.

In all since that time I have had a half dozen rides on my horse.   I have not ridden in more than a month.  When I ended up flat on my back,  struggling with pain for over two weeks,  I realized I was overdoing by way more than just a little.

It wasn't just the riding  that got me into trouble, although it was fueled by the riding. I figured if I could ride I should be able to do other things too. Putting out horses which involved taking off blankets and putting on turnouts, the carrying of blankets to and from the house and washing them, grooming horses, sweeping barns, cleaning up storm damage, they were all things I was doing if I rode.  I overdid it in a big way.

The first ride was the most obvious over exertion but not the most damaging. The last time I rode I spent two more hours outside working and I felt pretty good about myself when I came in. I had accomplished a lot and I thought I was doing ok physically.

It took a couple of days for me to realize I wasn't bouncing back. Instead I just got worse and worse. I dropped weight and I was back to sleeping most of the day. I seriously considered going to the doctor to see if I had done something harmful. It was not a good situation.

To be continued......................

Recuperating............Sort of............. Some Challenged Thinking.......

Part 1


It's hard to admit to that kind of frailty but it would be unwise not to at this point. I don't want anyone to think I am saying what I did was wise. I want my readers to understand the motivation and the symptoms so that's why I've gone into such detail in the telling of this first ride. Like teaching a newbie not to walk behind a strange horse, I would hope readers will see this story as a lesson to learn and not an accomplishment to boast, or a behavior to emulate.

Looking back, I know I really struggled with my need to ride and my need to be safe. My brain was definitely telling me I needed to quit but my heart was pushing me forward. Maybe it was the struggle that convinced me I was making a rational decision but "real" reason was not even a part of it.

There's this thing that happens when you've been down for as long as I have that defies logic and it had control of me. There's no doubt about it. The desperation that comes from being dependent takes on a life of its own, like an addiction.   Needs become more important than safety.  Fears can be easily manipulated. Vulnerability is unavoidable so it only adds to the desperation. All wrapped up together, in the control of the wrong hands,  it can be a huge wreck. The only thing that saved me in this situation was my horse.

Of course, I didn't think about that aspect of my condition. For me it was only about how long it had been and how disconnected I felt from the world and my horses. If the doctor had said I could get on a horse, then why was I worried about it?

Even with my own set of fears,  I knew I could count on the loyalty of my horse. Legs had already proved that to me by the way he'd handled everything to this point. At least that part was in my favor so I was calm and sure of myself, even if I shouldn't have been.

 Poor Dave, didn't even have that.  As I moved farther away, his stress level grew. That only fueled my need to distance myself from him and whatever safety his presence ensured.

 I told myself  I could stay safe as long as I didn't have to listen to Dave's nervous chatter when the real issue was did I have the strength and the mental capacity to be riding this horse in the first place. Believe me I didn't give that one bit of consideration. I was on my horse and I was going to ride. Sheer will and determination were in charge. Thank God somebody was.

My poor husband had no say in it at all. He knew when I'd turned away from him heading towards the back field I would not tolerate him hovering closer.The fact his concerns about my horse had been unjustified led me to totally dismiss any concerns he had.  With that I gave up any input that might have been a voice of reason.

I told myself  I needed to focus and I needed to relish the feel of the experience. After all, that's why I was riding. I needed healing time in the saddle. All thoughts about risk and jeopardy were squashed like a bug for the sake of something that could end up being more harmful than healing.

The gate going into the back field is only four feet wide. Both gates going into that field were that size when we moved in and we've never changed them. They are a bit narrow for taking horses through and even narrower to ride through.  The large, double gates that are constructed of 7 foot chain link are cumbersome and only used for vehicles to enter. I wouldn't have had the strength to move either of them anyway. Riding in the back field meant negotiating that narrow gate.

The internal debate continued as my Arabian stallion carried me across the yard. Nothing stopped me. Even the vision of my toe getting too close and becoming trapped by a rung (a very similar scenario to that bad accident I'd had inside the back pasture those twenty some years ago) that flashed across my mind did not phase me.  I pushed on like I had control, all the while thinking maybe I really didn't.

As we got closer to the opening,  I realized the gate was coming at us way too fast making all the more likely the possibility I would misjudge the distance and repeat that old wreck.  That didn't even stop me. Heck, it didn't  even slow me down.

My mind raced with the inconsistencies in  my thinking.The gate was upon us. My toe grazed the side and thankfully that was it. I breathed a sigh of relief as we negotiated the opening with nothing more than that bump but  I was vividly struck by the fact it was not due to my good judgement AND STILL I kept on riding.

To be continued.................

Finding "It"

Recuperating............Sort of............. A Change in Location....

Part 1

To get into the back field from the parking area, I had to ride under a tethered cable that supports the power pole and runs to the ground. With a flower bed on the left and the pole on the right, there is only a narrow strip of grass between that leads to the back yard. With the angle of the guide line to where it anchors right behind the flower bed, there is not much leeway to be riding a horse underneath, especially with a rider as tall as I.

Because of this I tend not to ride green horses through that spot and I always think twice before I attempt it with a broke one. It's too tight and if the horse should spook, I'd be splat on the ground and maybe even cut up by that cable. Now, as I rode towards this tight area with Legs, I couldn't help but think about the possible jeopardy. Then I glanced back at Dave still sitting at the picnic table monitoring me and I knew this choice was the lesser of two evils.

The back field had all kinds of issues to suggest the yard was a safer place. With all the uprooted trees and broken limbs from the winter's ice storm both in it and in the side pasture, there were plenty of unusual things that could happen if the wind should suddenly decide to gust or should a cat or some other critter dart through. As much as I wanted to trust my horse, I just didn't want to be taking any unnecessary risks on my first time out.

I expected right from the start this time on my horse wasn't really going to be much of a ride.That's why I had wanted to be in the yard in the first place. In that confined area I was less likely to get into trouble if something did happen to spook my horse and I'd counted on Dave, as did Legs, to save me if needed. However, the short time I'd been able to feel my horse beneath me before Dave got distressed was not enough to quench my thirst. The balance between my safety and my need to ride teetered precariously.

With Dave's worries turned to distractions to my concentration, I was torn between giving up my safety plan or giving up riding. Even as I moved away from him heading for the back field, I struggled with my own concerns about riding my horse (who hadn't been worked in 9 months except for a few minutes of lunging), the condition of my body and the route I was taking. There was still logic in my brain but I was hardly listening to it.

Even though Legs was behaving like the perfect gentleman, I had my own, old fears about riding in that field fueled by the current state of my body. I've bit the dirt more than once in that field and one of those times turned out to be a very painful and slow healing injury. With my body shaking from exhaustion I couldn't help but think of my vulnerability.

With each step of my horse I recognized I really was in the kind of condition you'd expect to see a person riding in a therapeutic program but here I was riding alone without even a person walking next to me for support AND I was doing things I wouldn't normally without thoughtful consideration.

There was nothing thoughtful about my considerations now, I dismissed them as easily as I dismissed my husband's fears. My sensibilities were definitely influenced by how desperate I was to ride as I pushed aside all reason and rode under that cable heading for the gate, the back field and a "real" ride.

To be continued.....................

Some Challenging Thinking......

A Little Break............. Definitely No Action Here

I'm sorry for the delay in the series of posts including my first ride. The ride is the foundation for the reasons I think are back sliding I've been doing in my recuperation. While I began the series after a number of days that had left me pretty flat on the couch, I thought I was at a milestone and beyond that extreme in "bad days." Looks like I was wrong.

Part of my problem with posting has been the fact my body doesn't tolerate much time at the computer. Then I realized I could use my phone to write my posts by emailing them to my computer since my phone usually won't let me post them directly. I actually did pretty well writing a number of posts when this current setback happened.

Writing on my phone works great as long as I don't need to cut and paste. If it has that function, I haven't figured it out yet. And once I have sent the post to my computer, there's no easy way for me to send it back to my phone in a format I can edit. The next post in this series is pretty helter skelter requiring some serious editing but I can't seem to get that done at the computer and haven't figured out how to do it on the phone.

I've been dealing with this mess for days and I guess it reflects the way I am feeling. Whenever the pain gets out of control, my thinking is pretty much all over the place, just like the next post in the series. I didn't want anyone to be concerned by my silence so I thought I'd explain where I am and that the post is coming. It's just another one of those small set backs that seems to be part of this healing thing.

I

Recuperating............Sort of............. A Little Ride Interference.....

Part 1

I still have not posted details of the accident that happened here a few weeks back. Instead I disclosed more general information; there had been an incident and Dave and a horse were injured. I am still not ready to post details, however, it is important to reference that occurrence because it affected my husband's confidence both with the horses, and in general, leaving Dave unsure of things he once took for granted.

In fairness to man and horse alike, this accident was a fluke. It was not the fault of any of the involved parties. If anyone is to blame, it is Mother Nature for the instincts she has built into her creatures. We can expect our animals to overcome those instincts with training when they are working for us but when they are loose that's a little much to expect.

Dave knows that in his head but his heart has not caught up yet. Nor does he get the distinction between things done by a loose horse and those done working. My husband was as traumatized by the events of the last year as I. The final blow of that wreck was more than even his wide shoulders could bear. I just didn't know how much until after I actually got myself back up on that horse with my husband there to moniter my safety.

Once I was actually on my horse, not only was Dave concerned for my safety because of my condition, his feelings were compounded by the insecurities of that wreck. The knowledge Legs was one of the horses involved didn't make matters any easier.

With me on Legs, riding in the yard and another horse playing in the front paddock, the man's imagination went wild. He got focused on dangers that didn't exist , convinced I was at risk. I was barely on my horse when Dave began barking orders at me about where I could go and what I could do, not recognizing the horse's protective mode. Suddenly I found myself dealing with my husband's fear instead of being able to expend what energy I could muster on riding.

From the moment I turned my horse I realized how much we take for granted the strength it takes to balance when we ride. In my weakened condition I found I needed much more concentration to maintain position in the saddle. I also found multi tasking was a high energy activity. It took about everything I had to maintain my balance and get my feel for my horse back. I couldn't do that and deal with Dave's fear but his constant chatter was breaking my concentration.


I had to stop my horse to explain to Dave his fears of stallion behavior were unfounded and to please, please let me ride in peace. My husband's directions to keep me safe were actually putting me at risk.
Without his co-operation, I either needed to get off my horse or go someplace else to ride if I wanted to be safe.

I had promised myself when I did finally get to ride that we would just walk. I figured between letting the horse stretch his back walking out while reaching for ground and a little bending that would be enough for me. Now, actually being on my horse, I wasn't willing to relinquish my seat that easily but the fear I could still be in harm's way had Dave by the throat.

Even after explaining to the man, my horse was totally committed to my safety, it soon became clear my husband wasn't going to relinquish his distorted perception of the situation. After a couple of trips up and down the drive I headed my horse out to the field to excape Dave's interference. Nothing was going to stop me from riding and that included Dave's fears.

To be continued....................... A Change in Location.......

Recuperating................Sort of............ Getting There............

Part 1


The tears streamed from my eyes and I choked back a sob as emotions swept over me. Vignettes of critical scenes from these past months flicked through my mind. The impact of all that chaos began to melt as I hugged my horse. For the first time in months I could believe I really was alive.

Not willing to stop there I found the strength to sit upright. It was then I realized that my stirrups were way too short. I had forgotten my saddle had been used by someone trying out a horse and that the stirrups had been raised a lot of holes. My position was all wrong, more like sitting in a chair than astride a horse.

I remember looking down at those stirrups wondering again about the fates. This sure was not the proper position to be riding but did I have the energy to remedy it.

I knew I didn't have enough strength to dismount, adjust the stirrups and remount. The question was could I get Dave to do it. We may have owned horses a lot of years but Dave is not a horseman. I didn't know if he could do this or not. Nor did I know if I even had the ability to maintaim my balance while keeping my leg back out of the way but I wouldn't know if I didn't try.

I decided to tell Dave about the problem with my stirrups and go from there. What I got was that blank stare that comes when you speak "horse to people who hear it as some foreign language. That look told me there would be lots of explaining involved in getting assitance from my husband so I opted to ride with the stirrups as they were figuring the ride wasn't going to last long anyway.

By this time Dave was studying me trying to determine if I really had the strength to do this thing. I knew I probably didn't but I refused to be deterred. I had come too far to quit now but I knew if I didn't get myself and my horse into gear quickly I was going to loose my window of opportunity. Dave's belief in my ability was quickly waning.

Just the thought of having to quit at this point made tears well up in my eyes. I am not a crier. During my childhood it was not safe to shed tears in front of anyone nor be seen with evidence of them anywhere so I just did not cry. I was nearly forty before I learned that tears are healthy, useful and really necessary yet I still do not cry. If I do it's not in front of anyone.

The significance of me being on the verge of tears was not lost on my husband. In fact I think it triggered a welling of his causing his head to turn briefly. I took advantage of this momentary weakness and
instructed Dave to turn me loose. I tried to make my voice sound strong, determined. Instead it came out weak, thready. sounding like the pleadings of a small child wanting to ride alone and free for the first time.

My husband hesitated torn between his heart and his head looking at my trembling legs and thinking about those tears but I still argued my case. I convinced him I could handle it even if I wasn't sure myself.

Dave reluctantly dropped the rein and cautiously stepped back still studying me intently. With a weak cluck and an even weaker squeeze of the inside rein I cued my horse to turn and move off.

My horse did not hesitate but he kept an eye on Dave. It was clear he knew he was responsible to the man on the ground as much as to me on his back. This behavior again sent visions of baby sitting horses through my mind.

At first I was offended. How dare he treat me like a small child but then I realized I could feel the horse's movement beneath me. A smile slowly formed on my lips. We were still moving and I was actually upright in the saddle. As the realization sank in the smile was displaced by a tooth eating grin. I wasn't just alive. I was riding my horse.

To be continued..................

Recuperating...........Sort of..................A Little Perspective........

Part 1

It was not the force of the blow that sent me sprawling. It was the extent of my weakness. The horse barely "bumped" into me but it was enough to throw me off balance. My helmet rattled out of position and I found myself falling into the picnic table, then bouncing off.

For the second time in this attempt to ride I heard myself shrieking. This time it was directed at my husband and not my horse. By now my horse had some understanding of what I needed from him but he was confused about the reprimand from Dave.

Legs didn't want to be in trouble with Dave but he wouldn't abandon me either. Despite the horse's urge to distance himself from the now unpredicatable man, my horse stood firmly as I fell, preventing me from landing on the ground, blocking my fall with his body.

As I struggled to regain my balance, I saw the worried expression on my horse's face and I heard the tone in Dave's voice as he defended his action. My jeopardy really wasn't over yet. I needed to diffuse the situation. I couldn't take the chance Dave would misread the horse again and trigger another reactive response.

I knew Dave was concerned about me getting bumped in the head but he really didn't get his part in causing it to happen. His tone conveyed his misjudgement of my horse amd the fact he thought I was still at risk . Legs was definitely sensing the man's displeasure but the horse seemed willing to incur Dave's wrath to do what he thought I needed. In this situation it was the man I didn't trust.

I figured I should deal with both of them at the same time to be sure Dave didn't do something to cause another instinctual reaction from the horse and to reassure the horse. I praised Legs for his wisdom and loyalty while I explained to Dave he had misread the horse's affectionate gesture and the jeopardy his respose created. I also explained (for the umpteenth time) the interaction was between Legs and me so if there was a problem, it was mine to fix.

Taking this all in, I realized the magnitutde of what my horse had just done. Not understanding the reprimand from Dave, Legs had risked further discipline to keep me safe. That's an awful lot to expect of a horse. Don't you agree?

Once I had both settled down, I repositioned my helmet, stroked my horse on the neck and tried to mount again while wondering how much could be left in my energy reserves. I hadn't really planned on an instruction session for my husband to be included in this ride. I was definitely testing my limits to extremes I'd never imagined. I prayed I hadn't gone too far.

By this time my legs were visibly shaking and my left knee actually did give way just as I stepped into the stirrup. I fell forward towards the horse's neck, scrambling for the horn as my body struggled to imitate the mounting technique of a person with a toned body. Somehow in this process I got my leg over the saddle and my bottom into the seat but my entire body shook.

Once in the saddle I laid there like a rag doll. There was no energy for steadying myself. I keep hoping my shaking would quiet and praying I wouldn't fall as my body complained of its exhaustion. Somehow my focus gradually changed from thinking about the jeopardy of the situation to realizing I was actually really on my horse. With that new perspective my fear was washed away as I as began drinking in the sensations flooding my body and my spirit as I finally experienced that feeling of Legs beneath me.



To be continued.......

Getting There

Recuperating............Sort of..................Part 5

Part 1


As I undid the snap keeping my horse tied to the wall, Legs reached to nuzzle me with his usual zest. Too weak for such a gesture I cried out then stumbled backwards as he made contact. Hearing my shriek Legs pulled back immediately lessening the impact of his advance. Then the horse thoughtfully began studying me looking for some reason for my rejection of his overture of affection while keeping his distance.

The horse's expression spoke to his concern. 'Something was wrong with Mom' read clearly on his face. As he processed the scene before him his eye softened and his head dropped and a winsome sigh escaped his lips. He'd always played this little game with me but now he didn't know what to do.

I felt sad for him as the horse withdrew from me. I felt sad for me. He had been so gleeful upon seeing me. Now he was confused and worried, unsure of himself, pretty foreign feelings for such a horse, avery foreign experience for me. There was no playbook or training manual for times like this. We were on our own. Figuring it out for ourselves. Both needing it to turn out all right.

Speaking softly I stroked my horse's neck weakly and asked him to follow me out the door. As we moved I explained I needed him to be kind. I was too weak to play the way I knew he needed. I continued telling him the story of where I'd been as we made our way.

The horse listened intently and I suspected on some level he understood. I was trusting my horse with my life in a way I has never done before. I believed Legs would not let me down.

As we made our way out the door heading towards the house, Legs gauged his speed by my own slow moving shuffle. His head lowered as if he was being led by a small child. My vibrant, energetic Arabian stallion pretty much became my babysitter on that walk.

When I lost my balance falling into him, he propped me up. When I felt too fatigued to carry myself, I leaned on him. The vision of Lindsay and her therapy horse filled my mind's eye as I realized the new role my horse was willingly accepting. I was on my way to my own therapy if I could figure out how to gather the strength to mount.

Dave watched in disbelief as I shuffled my way towards him knowing he dare not interfere. He knew I had been struggling to get to this point for weeks, longing for it for months. He had already tried to dissuade me and experienced a wrath unlike me.

Now he watched for some sign I needed intervention. Knowing full well if he interfered when I was not convinced I was in trouble he would be met with the frustration and rage boiling underneath the surface festering and fueled by months of life's most unkind assaults. The slow healing of my body had been a vicious attack on my spirit. No one got that better than Dave.

The set of my jaw told my husband I wasn't going to give up any time soon. Despite the fact he could tell my legs trembled and my knees threatened to buckle, I would not quit. I was too close now not to get to feel my horse beneath me.

I directed Dave to retrieve my helmet from its place in the horse trailer. I think he was relieved both to have a task to do and to have some kind of sign I was thinking about my safety. Even though I rarely wear my helmet when I ride Legs, I had to admit to my vulnerability now. The helmet was in order.

If I did actuallly manage to get myself up onto the horse, it was entirely possible I could loose my balance and fall off. There was no way to deny that possibility. The surface in the drive is hard so my head would need to be protected. I didn't want to think about what such a fall might do to my body. I was on a mission and bound and determined not to be twarted.

Proceeding towards the picnic table, I lined my horse up parallel to the bench which I normally use as a mounting block. Legs did not resist the positioning even though resisting is part of the normal game he plays. Instead the horse watched me intently making things as easy as possible for me.

Dave returned with my helmet just as I got the horse lined up where I wanted him. The man stood in front of Legs holding a rein while I put my helmet on. When I had it adjusted properly I put the rein I was holding through the ring of the martingale. Then I gathered my reins to get mounted.

Legs affectionately turned and ever so lightly nuzzled me on the arm as I raised my leg to step on to the bench. I smiled as I realized the horse was welcoming me to join him but Dave thought the horse was biting me. The man protectively and immediately smacked the horse on the muzzle not thinking what the horse's response might be. In reaction to this assault Legs instinctively threw his head away from the blow which just happened to be directly into my head.

To be continued........................

A Little Perspective

Recuperating.........Sort of.............. Part 4

Part 1

Despite the fact my legs were shaking, I headed towards the barn as soon as I heard Dave's car turning in the drive. I called out to him my intent to retrieve my horse as I crossed his path in the yard.

With each step forward my gait deteriorated into the now familiar shuffle I acquired immediately after my first surgery. I pondered the sensibility of my desire to ride as I recognized the sensation of my feet dragging the ground. The resolve of my spirit outweighed the weakness of my body pulling me closer and closer to the barn.

Pulling the bolt from the latch I noticed its heavy weight but failed to realize the sensation actually reflected my current strength. I approached the opening of the door like it was any old day but felt the resistance of a brick wall. I had to put my shoulder into the door's frame to make it rattle. It wasn't moving an inch.

I weighed the trade offs between the energy I would expend opening the door myself or walking back to the house to get help. With the shaking in my knees I knew the ride was over before it started if I made the trip to the house. Instead I figured out the leverage it would take to get the door open wide enough to bring my horse out.

Hearing the first rattle of the door my horse spoke to me. The soft rumble of his voice fueled my effort with the resistant door producing enough adrenaline to get it started on its path. Having always been a tough slide, it stopped just inches from where it started but those inches were enough to give me room to wedge my body against the door's frame so I could push through my legs.

With the additional leverage I was able to get the door opened wide enough to get my horse and myself safely through. In the process I used so much energy I lost my balance as the door reached the end of its track causing me to fall through the door into my horse. Legs stood firm as I knocked into him.

As I regained my balance I looked up to see the horse was wearing his bridle with his halter over the top. The idea my horse had stood tied for hours while wearing this bridle made me cringe. Thoughts of what could have happened flooded my mind and once more I appreciated the great mind of this horse.

I scanned him searching for the reins and found they hung unmolested around the saddle horn. Then I spied the lead. It hung from it's snap on the halter ring to the ground resting in a pile of poop. The horse had been secured with a chain that hangs in the stall for just that purpose since Legs is a Houdini who can release himself if tied with a regular lead. The lead rope had not been removed as intended for this form of restraint to be safe.

Again I appreciated the wisdom of this horse. He'd had three ways to get into trouble but instead stood quietly keeping himself safe from the threats left by a careless handler. While earlier I had felt maybe the Fates were taunting me, now it was obvious if the Fates were affecting me at all it was in the form of protection. Were they going to help me through a ride or was it time for me to submit for the day?

To be continued...............

Part 5

Recuperating..............Sort of........................ Part 3

Part 1

I could almost hear the groaning as you read of my intent to ride my horse even if I couldn't get help. Fate must have felt the same way. As it worked out, the day I set out to accomplish this task, someone showed up who was could saddle up Legs and lunge him for me. We actually planned to ride together.

She did get Legs tacked up and lunged but before she got another horse ready to ride she got called away. Before she left she asked me what I wanted to do about Legs.

With Dave away I didn't think it was smart for me to be riding alone. I had her put a cooler on Legs and tie him in his stall expecting Dave would be home soon. That way the horse would be ready when Dave returned and I could still ride.

Wouldn't you know Dave's trip took much longer than expected. I began to think the Fates really wanted just to torture me. As the sun got lower in the sky I decided I better go rescue my horse. Even though he's used to spending time saddled and tied to a wall waiting for me, there didn't seem to be much point. I really wasn't ready to ride without someone around who could help if I got into trouble and daylight was waning.

Just about the time I made up my mind to untack my horse, Dave called. He was nearby and close enough there was going to be enough daylight since the horse was all ready to go if the ride was short and I was ready when he arrived.

I was already prepared for a short ride. Just getting dressed had exhausted me and I didn't even have my boots on yet. My winter riding boots with their additional insulation have always been a struggle. Even with the makeshift shoehorn I have made, putting on those boots has always been a bit of a workout so I hadn't even put them on yet not wanting to expend the energy if I wasn't really going to get to ride. Now with Dave on his way I rushed to get into them so I would be ready when Dave got here. Of course it was ten times harder to get those suckers on than it had ever been. I was sweating and shaking when Dave rolled in.

To be continued..........

Part 4

Recovering.........Sort of...............Part 2

Part 1

There was something else besides getting horses outside that was gnawing at me. More than anything else, I wanted to ride. When and how were a big question but the need to feel myself in the saddle was overwhelming. My soul screamed for it.

My surgeon was actually encouraging me to get back on a horse. His goal for me was to have it done by January. I didn't really trust his recommendation since he openly admits he's terrified of horses and knows nothing about riding. I wasn't convinced he fully understood what riding might do to my body.

Even though it was clear he wanted me to take it slow I was worried just the whole process of getting the horse ready and getting myself into the saddle might be more than my body could endure. Considering the level of my pain most days I couldn't help but be afraid of making it worse. Despite my fear my spirit pined for the feel of a horse beneath me and that longing led to planning.

Usually when I've gone a stretch of time without riding, I will lunge my horse first, no matter who the horse. Just a little go round to test the psychological temperature of my horse and a chance for the horse to stretch.

I've never really seen Legs do anything during one of these tests to make me think this practice was necessary but considering he'd not seen any kind of work since last June I was thinking the horse deserved the chance to express some displeasure over this hiatus so getting him saddled and lunged were the first things on my list.

Having already been warned about lunging horses too soon, I figured I would need help with that task. It was a no brainer I'd need help with saddling too. I have lost so much muscle expecting myself to lift something as heavy as a saddle above my head would definitely be too much.

Every time I thought I had help available to accomplish these things something would happen and those plans would fall through. That's the only reason I didn't ride in January as the doctor had suggested.

By the middle of February my hopes of riding had been dashed so many times I decided to heck with those plans. It looked like the only way I was going to get on a horse was by doing it myself, just as I have always done.

To be continued.......

Part 3