Recovering..........Sort of........

I've had a post rolling around in my head for days but I finally realized it wasn't even appropriate at this time. I'd been thinking "Good Days and Bad Days" would describe how I've been doing. Then I realized somewhere at the beginning of last week that I hadn't seen a good one for more than just a few days.

How I got from the ups and downs to flat out off my feet, I don't exactly know. I knew I was pushing myself a bit but I've been pushing myself my whole life. I figured I was well within my limits. Evidently I figured wrong.

I started off slowly enough. Then instead of just visiting the horses, I had decided I would turn one out. You can assume if I was thinking only one, that one would be a stallion and you would be right on.

This time of the year those boys don't get out nearly enough to my way of thinking. A break in the weather, an empty field and I'm going to take advantage of the opportunity and let one of those boys stretch and play. That's always been my way of doing things this time of year. It was one of the things frustrating me about my recovery, weather breaks that weren't being capitalized on because Dave was gone and Lindsay doesn't lead the stallions.

Considering the reputations that stallions get and my status as a recovering cancer survivor, not to mention those three surgeries in less than five months, the idea of me turning out a horse that had been cooped up might be a formula for disaster. I thought about it and decided I could trust any of my boys and I could trust myself so I went for it. I have been turning a horse out here and one out there for a few weeks now.

The horses have been fine for me even the younger ones. I might have to nap the rest of the day after only turning one horse out but I was ok with that as long as I was making progress. The boys were delighted to be out but I think even more delighted just to see me and get a little one on one time no matter how brief. Dave would put the horse in when he got back home. I was working my way through the rotation as the weather permitted.

On the really nice days when we knew the weather was going to cooperate more horses could go out, Dave and Lindsay would do that because I just didn't have the strength to put out multiple horses. The only problem has been this winter has been filled with some wild fluctuations in the weather and turnout time has been hard to come by.

I was feeling for the horses cooped up and determined if we got even a little stretch of weather I was going to see that each and every horse got a chance to get outside. Wouldn't you know when that weather break did come Dave had several requests for interviews. I couldn't bare seeing dry skies and horses inside so I decided I'd make use of the opportunity even if it meant only stallions would get out it would be better than nothing.

The first horse I chose was Andy, the most rambunctious of the young stallions. I changed the horse's blanket to a turnout and walked him out to the field. He was full of himself but listening and responsive. Once I had him in the front field, I even brought his dirty blanket up to the house so I could get it washed. It was all good but it was all I could get done. My days here and there had not been enough for me to build up stamina to do much more so I safely took myself back into the house.

Still it bugged me all day that only one horse was outside enjoying the beautiful weather so the next day I put out two of the boys, Storm and Rhet. One went in the back and one in the front and they both got changed into water proof turnouts and got their stable blankets washed.

I carried the blankets up to the house individually because I didn't really think I had the strength to do them both together. It was all good and I was feeling pretty darn happy. Even though I had to rest the remainder of the day, I was beginning to think I really was on the way back to something more like normal for my life.

So how did I get from there to flat on my back again? Well, you know me, the story is never simple but suffice it to say, I am just getting started and the horses are not responsible for me being down again. I did it all by myself........

To be continued..........

Thoughts about My "Baby" Brother........

Today is my youngest brother's birthday and he's been on my mind most of the day. I haven't spoken to him since last January. I called him to check in but he didn't want to talk. He promised he'd call me later but "later" never came.

Just from the sound of his voice I knew he was not in a good place when I spoke to him that day. He'd been out of work for a number of years due to an L&I injury. Then he'd gone through a big legal battle to get retraining so he could get back to work. Like most people he hadn't foreseen the down turn in the economy.

The career he picked was booming when he started his schooling. By the time he finished there were no jobs to be found especially for a nearly sixty year old beginning a new career. His contract with L&I only allowed him a short period of time to find a job after finishing school. Even though there were no jobs to be found, the state cut him loose and he had nothing to fall back on.

I was worried for him. I kept calling but he didn't return my calls. I suspected his phone was disconnected and it was not long before his usual snarky voicemail message was replaced by a computer generated one to confirm my suspicions. After that it turned into the phone number for someone else.

Despite my numerous attempts to get my brother to tell me where he lived, I was never able to get that specific information. He's had some major ups and downs in his life and he's been pretty private about the downs. I tried to respect that so did not push him into giving me any information he didn't want to share. Ever since I lost contact with him, I have regretted my decision. I wish I had insisted or argued better to get him to let me in. I hate not knowing where things in his life have gone since that last phone call.

While I am estranged from the rest of my siblings, I have maintained an ongoing relationship with this brother. It is a bond that was formed while my father was dying from cancer and my mother was working to support us kids.

Being the oldest girl, I took care of the household and my younger siblings while our mother was gone during the day. She would leave a list of chores including instructions for snacks and meals.

My father was diagnosed as terminal when I was about nine. The youngest, my sister, was two. My youngest brother was three. The next brother was five and there was one seven. My oldest brother was a teenager and gone much of the time.

My father spent those last years in a hospital. My mother was determined that we, kids, not be exposed to my father dying. I was equally determined to do everything in my power to keep the "little kids" (the four younger than me)from being affected by having both parents gone and to make things as easy on my mother as I could.

To this end I worked to see my mother came home to a clean house with the chores all accomplished as she'd instructed and dinner on the table. I perfected my cooking skills and got pretty darn good at baking. Every night I made some special dessert so there was something to look forward to besides our usual low budget meals. I tried to be sure everyone was doing homework too.

I also made sure each birthday was celebrated. The little kids always had a party with their buddies from the neighborhood. I scheduled games for them to play and used baby sitting money to buy little prizes. I even remembered to take pictures so our mother could at least "see" the party and everyone would have keepsakes.

Outwardly, it looked like we were all getting through a bad situation pretty well. Inwardly there were dark secrets. When they came to light, the family shattered which is pretty common in families with secrets such as ours. The person exposing the truth is often shunned while the rest of the family close ranks to protect the abusers.

Only my youngest brother remembers the love I tried to share and the protection I tried to give back in those dark times. Somehow the bond we formed then was never broken despite all the pressure from the rest of the family.

He has tried over the years to see if he could mend the fences destroyed because I exposed the family's secrets but to no avail. Still he's hung in there with me despite the fact I won't conform and resume the dysfunction it takes to be actively involved in my family of origin. That makes him very precious to me.


Over the years there have been months, sometimes, when I didn't hear from him with only one exception. That involved a dispute between him and my oldest daughter and was one of those dark times in his life. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of years.

Whenever there have been hard times for him, he has always withdrawn but still he's stayed foremost in my mind. I pray and I worry hoping that he's doing ok and that life is being kind to him. Even at my sickest times in the hospital he was on my mind.

Recently someone told my youngest son that my brother has died. I have been unable to find proof that has happened. I have also been unable to find any record of him anywhere. It's like everything just stopped after he finished his schooling last year. All day long I have wondered "Is he celebrating this birthday or is he out there somewhere needing help?" I wish I had the answer but mostly I hope my brother has some peace, wherever he might be.

NOTE: By the time I finished this post, the day was actually gone. My brother's birthday is March 15.

I don't even have a picture of my brother. I lost whatever pictures I had from those early days during a divorce and my brother likes posing for the camera about as much as I do making more recent pictures out of the question. BUT, my brother is a dog lover so I posted a picture of Sugar. I wish I had a picture of the King James Spaniel he was sporting on his arm the last time I saw him but he wouldn't fall for that trick.

Weird Weather and Weird Animals

While I hear on the news about record warm temperatures throughout most of the nation, here it's been mostly cold. We did have a day this weekend where the temperature hit 60 F. The next day we had hail, rain, sleet and snow. We didn't know what was coming next.

Yesterday and today we've seen snow and even the critters are getting tired of the fluctuating temperatures. One day they're blowing coat and the next day they're shivering. This picture shows Sugar snuggled up under my blanket trying to warm up from her trip outside. She was quite comfortable when Squeaker arrived and decided she needed to get warm too.

Sorry about the darkness of this pic. I got the one taken and could see I needed to do something else but then the camera battery died. Of course the cat and dog didn't hang out like that for as long as it takes my camera battery to recharge so this one dark pic is it. They did, however, stay together long enough for both of them to warm up and for Lindsay and I to get a good laugh.

A Little on Life........ A Little on Recuperating........ A Little on Learning Between the Lines

I know I should be posting about life on my farm or the horses. After all, there is still life here, even if I am still recuperating and feeling like life has left me behind. With or without my health, life goes on and there's stuff happening but my brain just isn't working on all cylinders, I think.

Post material does run around in my head from time to time and I'm sure "this" will be the day I actually get something written about what's happening here. Then, by the time I get the darn computer up and running, all sensible thought has fled. Leaving behind nothing but mush and a fear I've really lost it through this illness and this condition is now permanent.

The surgeon says I'm doing remarkably well considering.... Because I've not posted all that happened to me that term, "considering" doesn't mean to you what it does to him so I'm pretty sure that many of you are wondering why it's taking me so long to come back from this thing. Funny thing is that's exactly how I feel and I know all the gory details.

I did begin a series of posts on the first hospital stay that actually did make it to the blog but I didn't get all the way through that ordeal. In fact I only got as far as my visit to the Critical Care Unit. There was so much more that happened before I ever got to come home from that first trip including a second surgery. Those details definitely laid the ground work for what was to follow.

Then there was the time at home between that first hospital stay and the second. I came home under the care of a home health care service instead of going to the nursing home where the docs really wanted me. It wasn't until months later that I understood how big a deal their decision had been. I was pretty much in denial about my condition and my disease and sometimes, maybe, I still am.

I think the only reason the docs let me come home was because they were so worried about my mental state and that of my family. We were all reeling and sending me to a nursing home would not have helped that. It was obvious to my doctors, and to me, Dave needed some relief or he might just break in some form of physical way too. For him, taking care of me, was easier than worrying about me someplace else. It was bad enough I was sick and he and Lindsay had sole responsibility for the horses without putting more burden on either of them.

Being cut down so viciously by disease is difficult for anyone. My docs understood the additional trauma caused by going from what appeared to be optimum, active health to chronic bed ridden status in what seemed like a split instant. I might not have looked like a typical old cowboy determined to live wild and free but it was obvious to them where my heart was and this blow to my health gut hit hard both literally and figuratively.

Every single time I have seen any of my doctors, I've been asked about my horses because they all knew that was what was keeping me going. Getting me home to the horses was a no brainer for the docs. Horses may not be their thing, but my doctors totally understood the important role the horses would play in my survival.

Once I got home life was never boring here. A lot of things happened and some of them you will probably find very shocking when the telling finally comes. Because of this illness, there are definitely stories to be told that relate to the horses . The incidents run all the way through both hospitalizations on up until now. There's just no way something this dramatic can happen to a horse owner's life and not affect the horses.

For me, I think it's a combination of those things and my current medical condition that prevent me from writing. I am still taking pain medications and I understand that could continue to be the case for maybe six to nine months until the internal stitches finally dissolve.

The surgeon says normally those stitches do not cause these kinds of issues because the nerve endings are protected by a layer of fat. Because I am so thin, I have no layer of abdominal fat so the stitches are rubbing right up against the nerves causing severe pain. The more I try to do, the more pain I have. It's that simple except for the way it affects my life.

Gaining weight would help. Stress, however, interferes with weight gain. Funny how that works. When you're well, stress seems to cause weight gain. Now when I need it, it's pretty difficult to put weight on.

Seems like each time I actually gain a few pounds, something else happens causing stress and the pounds disappear. It doesn't look like any time soon I am going to be putting on enough weight to ease the pain caused by those internal stitches. I hate to admit this because usually I am not a person who dwells on the negative but my fear is those stitches will take longer to dissolve. It seem that's kind of how things have gone for me so far during this illness so I'm sure that's what fueling my fear. I sure hope I'm wrong and things go as planned for a change.

Sometimes I think if I would just write down everything that's happened and get it out there, it would be a relief and this whole nightmare would be over. But.... there are things better left unsaid at the moment. Just as I was unable to post about the things that were happening that led up to getting Storm back, I find myself in the position of needing to hold back. There will be a "right time" to share what has happened here.

One of the things I've realized about me is holding back blocks my writing.
It's not just about pain medications that words don't come. It's about stress and holding back. The stress affects my eyes, my pain levels, my sleep and ultimately my recovery. The holding back probably causes stress too but not nearly as much as telling too soon will do. I wish there was an easy answer to take it all away but, as we all know, life is more complicated than that.

Writing is the least of my worries although I really miss visiting and knowing what's going on with all my blogging buddies. I know I've said that before and I'll probably say it again. Not being able to get around to everyone's blogs to comment really sucks. At the same time knowing I have supportive people out there has been comforting to me. Hearing from you has been almost as good a stress reliever as being with the horses.

While my recovery seems to be traveling at a snail's pace, it IS coming along. I am able to spend a little bit of time with the horses. I wish I could say that happens each day but sometimes it takes me a day or two to recover from a trip to the barn. Those visits are not getting longer but they are getting to be more frequent.

I've tried doing exercises to rebuild my strength but it shot my pain levels back through the roof. It wasn't just at the time I was doing the exercises that I hurt either. I found myself awakened in the middle of the night with pain and my pain meds weren't really doing the job they had been so the exercises have ceased for now, anyway.

That doesn't mean I am letting pain stop me. It just means I have backed off to a more manageable place. Doing so only adds to my stress levels because there is so much work I want to be doing. I'm usually pretty good living by the Serenity Prayer and not letting things I can't control get to me but this last nine months has really tested that resolve. I'm living one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time dreaming of the day when life is finally back to normal.

A Little Humor

To prove I'm still alive, I'm posting this. I give credit to my friend, Ramona, who sends me countless numbers of these things in the winter months but this particular one seems to fit my thinking at the moment as I wonder if my world and my brain are ever going to return to "normal," whatever that might be.

Subject: 23 Adult truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure
I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing


This picture is Delilah as a puppy. I think the expression on her face suits my current mood. I promise a post about my condition is coming next. In the meantime, how many of these can you relate too?