Part 1 of the Black Years
Part One of Amanda's Wright's Story
Normally, such petty little games, like Angie Miller's verbal attack, wouldn't affect me but not much has been normal these last couple of years. Once my health was gone, the vulnerability that comes with being weak was like a cancer of its own. The seeds of doubt about Dave and Lindsay's ability to care for the horses firmly planted by Kelly Panowicz and well fertilized by Crystal Baker were prime for harvesting by the time Erin Johnson and Amanda Wright decided there was something for them here so Amanda, already working to convince me she had my best interests with the horses at heart, was able to use Angie's words and Rachel and Colleen's behavior to work to her advantage. Reinforcing my isolation and representing herself as someone on my side made her that much closer to accomplishing her goals.
Throughout all of this the only thing on my mind was the welfare of my horses. I was following the recommendations of my doctors but I certainly wasn't thinking in terms of my mental health. Maybe that is because my horses have always healed my heart so I was motivated to secure what they needed thinking that would magically heal me. Obviously the whole situation with my health was much more complicated than that as evidenced by the fact I am still nowhere near being back to normal but when Amanda was doing this grooming I was struggling with a recovery slower than expected. As frustrated as I was with that I was hearing from everyone, including my doctors, that my expectations were probably unrealistic . There was nothing to suggest anything about my recovery was off other than my instincts screaming at me. While time has proven my instincts were indeed accurate, I think not trusting them only added to me not trusting other perceptions I had at the time. It has been my experience denying one's instincts is a slippery slope that could have only added to the deteriorating status of my self esteem. Instead of assuring I was building my self esteem up, I was actually tearing it down helping those wanting to exploit my circumstances. At the same time their behaviors only beat me further down and my ability to stop it was blocked by the blinders I was wearing. It was definitely a destructive cycle.
I have to admit I am so over this. Amanda is gone and I'd really like to be done with her. However, writing these stories has really helped me sort things out so I can let go. Heaven knows how badly I need that with this part of the story. I said in writing about Erin that I felt like I was finally standing up to the bully. Amanda's time here caused its own kind of harm and it is an important part of this story.
Back when I was deciding whether or not I would post about these dark times, I struggled with whether it was appropriate content for my horse blog. Then it occurred to me nothing has affected my horses more profoundly than the darkness of these last two years, not to mention without the horses, these things wouldn't have happened. This is their story as much as it is mine. Even though their names don't pop up often in this journey, they have been exploited none the less and they deserve to have this story told as much as I do.
Of all three women who stayed here Amanda's time affected the horses the most. As someone who sells herself as having big dreams and caring about horses, I think the story will show the oposite is true. Talking horses and actually loving them are many miles apart......and no one is farther off this spectrum than Amanda Wright. That reason alone is more than enough reason to assure the rest of her story is told.
To be continued......
A Tangled View of Erin and Amanda.........