I have struggled with how I was going to proceed with this next individual until yesterday when she made contact with me. Despite my request to leave me alone unless she was ready to take full responsibility for her behavior, Erin, once again disrespected my boundaries. She tried to contact me by phone and when that didn't work she sent me another unsolicited email so she could, pitch her "poor me" game regardless of my wishes or needs.
Up until now I was torn between using her name or concealing her identity but considering her continued, blatant disregard for my wishes as well as her total lack of concern for me and my family, I am no longer willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. If anything, I now am convinced it would be inappropriate to enable her behavior and hiding her name would do just that. Whether Erin wants to admit it or not, she and only she is responsible for her behavior and it is about time it come to light. What follows was already written, with the exception of her name, before I heard from her.
It was early last year that I received a call from a fellow horse blogger. I don't recall if she knew the status of my health but she had the same online access to information as the others. She also had a "needy" aspect to her life story which has already been established as a hook for me.
A major difference between this young woman and the others was that she lived in Minnesota. With my location being Washington state, there was an insulation built in by the geographical distance between us that may have given me a false sense of security. The span of time over which I'd known her probably added to that even though our contact was actually fairly limited. Then with the isolation I felt being laid up for nearly ten months by the time she called last year, I felt like I had just been given a reprieve by an old friend even though there was no rational reason for such a powerful connection.
Up until now, she had been in touch on and off, although it was mostly off, since she first contacted me through my blog a few years earlier. At that time she had a public blog but soon after she changed to a private one and I was included on her list of invited readers.
Over the years I have been invited to read a number of private blogs. I even have one myself where I posted some very personal information to get input from some people I trusted so I get the reasoning behind such a forum. However, it has been my experience that most of the private blogs I have been invited to read have been more about the authors' insecurities/defensiveness than subject matter that really warranted such secrecy.
The former was certainly the case with the young woman, Erin, I am currently referring to. It was also the case with Amanda Wright and one other horse blogger from my area whose story I have not told but whose friendship came with a price.
I am mentioning these details because all three of these women keep their private blogs more to be secretive to shield themselves from accountability than out of a genuine need for safety or to protect anyone from harm. This behavior may be something I should have considered when trying to decide if any of the 3 should be considered trustworthy or at least looked at them more closely before I allowed them any closer.
Obviously I am not saying that all authors of private blogs are untrustworthy but I am saying when the blog's content or the use of the private setting appears based on insecurities and/or paranoia, this behavior could indicate serious problems that suggest caution. It has certainly been my experience that all of the private blogs such as this that I was invited to read have turned out to have authors who have caused harm in one way or another.
I have no doubt that Amanda or Erin use their private blogs for the sole purpose of secrecy. They want to plead their case without the benefit of input except for those hand picked to agree with them. It is a method to build support for their victim behavior which really only reinforces their perception of powerlessness that keeps them stuck. Whether or not both of these women are true victims who have healing still to do or if they are individuals hiding behind a mask of victim behavior to exploit others, I will let my readers decide. For me their continuing use of their private blogs is just one more piece of the puzzle about who they really are, not the fraudulent face they present to the world.
If I recall from those early posts and our conversations she worked for, or was somehow connected to, an Arabian horse breeding operation in the Midwest. She rode and showed horses from that barn but had some kind of conflict with a person there which probably had to do with the beginning of the private blog.
Her psychological history was similar to both Jessica and Amanda with some form of childhood trauma that left her with issues as an adult. According to her, she had a diagnosis of PTSD and a later one of DID. This latter diagnosis had come only recently and was the motivation for her current phone calls to me. With my history of recovery from extreme childhood trauma she was seeking support for her new journey, or so she said.
Of course we talked about what was happening with me during these calls as well. My recovery was progressing at a snail's pace and I was extremely frustrated at being unable to train my horses to improve their marketability in hopes of getting my numbers down. Her response was the same as I had heard from her most times I spoke with her. She wished she was closer so she could help me out.
This story is intertwined to some extent with that of Amanda Wright. Both were spinning their own webs although Amanda made contact first. Their tactics were as different as their personalities but both claimed they only wanted to help but instead both reeked havoc. As far as I am concerned the outcome is what is most important here. Words mean nothing....it is behavior that counts. Both of these young women claimed they wanted to help but that is not what happened here. Help is the last word I would use to describe either of these stories but Erin would willing tell you it is not her fault....who knows...maybe Amanda would too. Regardless something happened here and it was not as promised. I doubt most people will see where these stories go.
To be continued.....
Discoveries, Comparisons and Some Opinions........
NOTE: I have edited this post to remove Erin's last name. I will explain my reasoning later but for now, this change will not stay this way.