The New Journey........ Just More Stuff........

Part One

Somewhere after the Region 5 All Arabian Horse Championship Show, I learned the owners of both horses MD had in her care were getting more and more disgruntled. While neither woman was initiating a coversation with me about the situation, when I spoke about my concerns over the deteriorating relationship with MD and GD, I guess it only made sense the topic would shift from my issues with them to their issues with them.

I found myself in the predicament of listening to both women tell me they were fed up with MD. Promises had been made and not kept, excuses used so many times and out and out lies told, neither had any faith in MD. Neither really knew what they would do next and I suspect that had more to do with me than it did MD. Even though I supported my friends to do whatever they believed they needed to do, I knew there's that message that plays when you feel loyalty to another that complicated things. I felt sad my friends were in this situation and even more sad it was because of someone in my family.

MD had still not seen fit to either redo the lease on the palomino mare or change it to a purchase agreement. The mare's owner was really frustrated that GD was still showing the mare when the lease papers were out of date. She assumed, as did I, that the show secretaries were not paying attention to the paperwork. Had they done so, the mare could not have been shown and that might have put some pressure on MD to get things made right.

Both this friend and I work as show management and we are both perfectionists about our jobs. This situation with the horse showing without the proper paperwork touched on our sensibilities in the terms of management and liabiity to horse shows and owners as much as those more personal terms involving family and friends.

Since it didn't look like show management was doing their part, the mare's owner could see no reason why anything would change anytime soon. MD evidently had not responded to emails so my friend wasn't even sure what to do next.

At one point my friend asked me if I would pick the mare up for her. I asked her, please, to not put me in that position. I would certainly haul her mare home from some other location for her but I didn't want to be the one taking custody of the horse from BG's facility. My friend realized as soon as the words left her lips that she wouldn't want to put me in that situation either so instead she did nothing when what she really wanted to do was take her mare home.

The other friend was in a similiar situation until GD called her to verify that her mother was making payments on the horse. From what I understand when GD found out those payments were not being made, arrangements were made for her to clean stalls on weekends in exchange for payments on the horse.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of that situation here. I will say that it did make things difficult for my friend. She was torn between doing what she could to get the horse paid off and wanting to have her barn be a welcome place for me.

She understood how dibilitating all those comments by BG had been to me. She was really wanting me to come around her place more so I could be more involved and connected to others in the industry than I had been. She had lots of concerns that the two things together were not a good fit and, of course, she was right. I stayed away as long as MD and GD were there. I had enough on my plate without getting into that.

It's hard to be in that situation where the person taking advantage of someone you care about turns out to be your own child. It's even more difficult when it is happening within the one venue that means the most to you. Ever so slowly I began to see MD was not only messing with my friends, she was messing with something else I hold dear. She was messing with my relationship in the horse world and the joy my horses bring to me.

I'm not blaming MD for my discomfort. I know I am responsible for my feelings and I can and will deal with them. However, having these problems with our relationship all tied up with horses was really taking its toll on me. It was hard for me to get the same satisfaction I usually get from being around any of my horses when it triggered my feelings about the sad events happening within my own family.

I have said many times that horses keep me sane. While I use the term "sane" in a tongue in check manner because I really am quite sane dispite what some have maliciously said, horses help me stay centered no matter what life throws my way. If I am struggling, I have always been able to use my time around the horses to put things in perspective and get myself back on track.

Suddenly, all of the turmoil in my life WAS centered around the horses and that changed everything for me. Instead of being the safe haven they have always been, they were now a source of immense pain. I found little comfort in the barn sharing my grief with my horses, instead it seemed to ramp the pain up.

Of course, things were deteriorating with Solidare at this time. That didn't help things either. Normally the birth of a foal around here would bring such great joy. Most any emotional obstacle could easily be sqwashed under the pitter patter of tiny hooves. This year that birth brought with it the dark cloud of impending doom as Solidare slipped farther and farther away from me.

Solidare was my heart horse. She was the one that carried the burden of my heart after I lost Scandalous. As much as I love all the others, these two mares have held a very special place in my life and each for the same reason. Each mare chose me to be her special person. It is that chosing of me that heals my soul. Arabian Horses as Healers

If you noticed, I used the present tense of the verb,heal. The reason for that is clear. Healing has been an ongoing process for me. I was so fractured from the pain and abuse of my childhood that the journey will probably never be complete. I don't know how to describe it other than to say, the love of each mare told me maybe I do deserve to be loved after all. Now that Solidare's time was coming to an end and this conflict with MD and GD showed itself, I found myself waivering in my belief that this world has a place in it for me.

Because of this my initial reaction was to avoid the barn, just as most people choose to avoid dealing with their pain. Such a move would probably be destructive but it's hard to see that when the pain is overwhelming. What felt right was to put some distance between me and my horses. Because I have Lindsay and Dave to help me with them, it really was possible to keep my distance unless some emergency requiring my expertise arose.

Fortunately for me, Solidare's grip on my heart was great enough to beckon me beyond the pain. My loyality to her outshined any darkness and pulled my reluctant feet and heart to the barn. She needed me no matter what the status of my life. I could not turn my back on her and she carried me through the pain and into a new perspective and yes, to some healing, a beginning anyway.

It didn't take long for me to realize to remove myself from the horses would only hurt me. Despite the pain, the horses were not and are not the ones responsible. I had never imagined when I opened up my heart to let MD and GD join me in the world of me and my horses, how vulnerable I had made myself. I wanted so badly to build real loving relationships with them, instead I had opened myself up for an emotional assualt.

I realized I had the power to close that door just as I had opened it. Doing such a thing may have never been my plan but now it seemed like the only wise choice. The only way I could think to accomplish this was to limit my expectations of both MD and GD. To silence my aching heart, I would have to silence that voice screaming at me "family just doesn't treat family this way" because obviously, some family does. I needed to quit expecting more than they had to give. Not an easy task but one I was up to just as I was up for the lawsuit.

To be continued................

Enter the Homeless.....

The mare grazing in this picture is Scandalous. The pony in the background is Poa Moa Punch, Lindsay's pony who has long since been lost to us too. Two special horses in our lives looking quite peaceful as they graze.


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