Monday, March 7, 2011

The New Journey................A Realization............

Part One

I never did hear from GD about which classes she had entered at the horse show. I figured I had done enough to get the information at this point. The schedule was too spread for it to be reasonable to pick a date and hope I made a class GD had entered by just showing up.

I did go midday on the last day of the show to see the yearling halter classes. I arrived just in time to see GD's class moving across the courtyard after leaving the arena. WF walked by me and spoke directly to me, which she is not supposed to do because I am acting pro se.

I did not respond because I did not want court sanctions and I worried that there was now one more thing WF could manipulate if she chose. I was glad I had a friend with me as a witness if I needed one. By this time I knew WF's game is always to play the innocent to others I knew better. Speaking to me was deliberate and calculated to further her own purposes in some way. It really sucks to be at a horse show for a break and have to think about protecting myself.

It was only after my friend and I walked past WF that I realized the horses coming towards us were GD's class, the half Arabian western pleasure open championship but I did not see her in the group. Not until I joined my friends in the arena did I hear that GD had indeed ridden in that class. I was disappointed to have missed her and had to rely on someone who had seen it to tell me how GD's ride had gone.

She did not win a prize and the ride was described much the same as what I had witnessed at the Daffodil Arabian Horse Spring Show. I was sorry I was sorry to hear that GD and her horse are not really improving in the eyes of others.

A little later I was sitting in the stands with friends when GD came gleefully running up to join the group. She did not speak to me or acknowledge me even though she sat down almost right in front of me. When I spoke to her I received a half hearted "Hello." I asked about her ride, she responded with a brief "Good." Then I asked her why she hadn't sent me her class schedule and she responded, "Oh, didn't you get that?"

I recognized the look on her face with that statement. It was the same look I had seen so many times before from MD. Now here I was looking at that same look on GD's face. She was lying to me, covering her tracks so it didn't look like she'd had anything to do with me not being there when she rode. My heart sank at the realization.

That was the only conversation GD and I had at the horse show. She immediately turned around speaking to those in front of me. She did not try to pursue a conversation with me and I no longer tried to pursue one with her. You would have thought I wasn't even there or that we didn't even know each other, let alone that we were family. It just is not the relationship I figured I would ever have with my any of my grandchildren but it is very much what I have with all four of MD's children. Sad.

My friends who were present for this exchange saw the look and recognized it for what it was as well. I got glances all around letting me know they were there for me. As bad as I felt that this had happened. It felt even worse that it had happened in front of my friends.

There wasn't anyone there who didn't know by this time how wrong things had gone between us. Each of them saw the tragedy that was there. I think they believe, as I do, that no one is going to pay bigger for this than GD. Not that she cannot or will not survive without a relationship with me, it is the behaviors she is embracing that will cause problems in her life.

It was a very sad day to see GD losing the respect of people I care about. It was even sadder because it was so obvious that she didn't really seem to care. It was an eye opening experience but it was not to be the last one. There was far more that lay undiscovered at this point.

While I was very concerned about how things were developing between MD and GD and myself, I still didn't have any idea of the depths to which things had changed. By this time I clearly realized BG and WF's stirring the pot was some how providing a benefit for them. I still had not realized the extent to which they had been successful in cultivating the chasm between us and it would be a while before I learned what the benefit to them would be.

My heart was heavy but I still had no idea what I could do to change this situation. It still seemed to me that time would heal some of this so I focused my attention on the lawsuit and tried not to worry about what was happening with MD and GD. As far as I knew they were still planning on testifying if I needed them and that must mean something. Right??

I had gone to that horse show to watch the yearling sweepstakes halter classes that evening. The afternoon session was over early so my friend, Wendy, and I decided to go out for dinner. I didn't even get through my meal, which was something innocuous like a salad, and I ended up double over in pain from all the stress of the afternoon encounter with GD.

I have been having increasingly more issues with my stomach from the time this whole situation had started back in January. Since that time, I had ups and downs with my digestive tract but there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to it. No particular foods were at fault. The only common denominator seemed to be stress. When it increased, my stomach got worse. When it lessened, my stomach was better. I'd been to the doctor but his prescriptions really didn't help much

I thought I would be fine once I got in the car and we headed down the road. We thought we might forego the horse show and just head for home but before we even got to the main highway headed home, I was in so much pain I needed out of the car. There was just no way I could sit in that position for the hour and a half ride to the communter lot where I'd met Wendy.

We went back to the fairgrounds. Instead of heading back to the horse show to watch classes, I ended up writhing in pain laying on the grass in the parking lot outside the show grounds. Sweat was pouring as my whole intestinal tract seemed to cramp. I felt like I would feel better if I could just puke but that didn't happen, which I knew it wouldn't.

Poor Wendy worried about my well being as I assured her this was not my first encounter with such intestinal upset. I have had this kind of severe reaction a handful of times since this whole lawsuit thing had started. While the experience was always very miserable, I would survive just fine. I took what antacid I had with me and laid there hoping the pain would at least subside some. I knew it would be days before this episode was actually behind me but I needed to have some of this discomfort lessen if I was ever to ride in the car.

I would guess I laid there on the cool grass for twenty minutes or so, although it felt like hours and maybe even days to poor Wendy. Once I felt like I was well enough to handle the car ride home, I crawled back into the car and let Wendy know I thought I could travel now. Thankfully Wendy was the one driving or we probably wouldn't have made it home. It was a hard day but they were going to get harder. This whole thing was clearly taking its toll on me.

To be continued.....................

Just More Stuff........

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  1. How disheartening. And to add physically debilitating pain. Not fun. I dread hearing how bad it will become. Fall outs in the family are never limiting in who gets hurt either.

  2. I know she's your granddaughter, so I don't want to be mean, but really?!

    It's girls like her that make my life in the horse world so much harder. Some teenage riders are spoiled brats, so we all get stereotyped.

    Being a teenager isn't an excuse, though many people try to use it as one.

    I was recently reading your posts about your GD and Dandy, and I found myself getting more and more irritated by the fact that she simply didn't care. I would be begging my horse's forgiveness if I made such a mistake with her. Which isn't to say I don't make mistakes, because I certainly make many on a daily basis, but not such a completely avoidable and careless one.

    Okay, rant over.

  3. And as always you tell a very riveting tale of your journey. Thank you!

  4. Oh boy... My heart breaks for you.

    We are kind of on the other side of the grandparent saga with my boys' only surviving grandparent, my husband's mother. I can't help but think that grandparenting or being the grandchild wasn't suppose to be this hard for you or for my boys. This is really heartbreaking & I am sorry it happened. I can only hope that things improve as she matures.

  5. Nicole, ya, things were bad enough without the stomach pain. This situatuion really has affected the whole family. Very sad.

    Mare, I can understand your frustration and I'm glad you got it off your chest.

    I must say I don't believe everyone thinks all teenage riders are spoiled brats. I, personally, know that's not true.

    I have seen as many commited, hard working, responsible young riders, maybe more, than I have seen the other kind.

    I think it's easy for non horse people to think any kid that has a horse is spoiled because they don't understand the commitment most of us make to have horses. All they see is $$$$ so they automatically assume any one with one is either over indulged or over indulging. Really, that is there problem, not yours.

    Don't let people with such a narrow view upset you. It is not worth it. Keep doing what you do because you love it and those who want to see the real you, will. Those who don't won't see you no matter what you do so why waste your time thinking about them. It will only cause you pain, that you don't really need.

    As for GD, you are right. Her mistakes with Dandy were careless and she took no responsibility for them which makes it doubly bad in my opinion. Instead she played the victim acting like she was the one being abused. It's very sad because I know that copping out to being a victim is a very hard place to live. Happiness does not live in victim mentality and there is lots to say that GD is not happy. I am very saddened by that.

    Making mistakes is not the issue, being responsible is. We all make mistakes because we are human. It's what we do when we make them that tells what kind of people we are.

    Good for you recognizing the issue so you don't fall into that trap. Being responsible will never let you down. I appreciate you stepping up and stating your opinon.

    Nicole, you are welcome and thanks for following along so faithfully. Your comments are appreciated.

  6. So sad that these events have contributed to the rift between you and your GD,BG <WF and your daughter should be ashamed of themselves! I suspect before it wwas all over the offer to testify on your behalf was withdrawn,or worse.
    The symptoms you describe sound like a spastic bowel(I have had this on and off for year associated with IBS and Lupus) It is a terrible state to be in ,and there seems very littel can relive it . I did find some relif with copious amounts of Pepto Bismol, but the only other thing that helped was a prescription for MAxeran .Over the years I have found Magnesium and also taking a probiotic regularly has lessened the attacks .

  7. I'm assuming this grandchild is a teenager. Aren't teenagers wonderful? My grandbabies are just 2, but I have dealt with a lot of teenagers in the QH area, as an instructor and coach. The best friends turn into non-friends. I'm starting to realize that, at that point, they need to turn from clients into friends. I can't imagine your pain. That is where the gut pains are coming fromw - the stress of the situation. I understand that completely, as I know about Intestinal Tract upsets. I hope this ends on a happy note, and if it doesn't, KNOW that you did your best!!! hugs! Brenda

  8. I have a sick feeling I know where this is going. I just don't have the heart to make any judgement calls about GD. She is obviously feeding off of what she is surrounded by. We just don't see things the way we should when we are teenagers and are often sucked into vortexes very easily. She may or may not come to regret her decisions as she gets older. Hopefully she does and you guys have a chance to get to know each other all over again.

    Good thing you had Wendy with you when WF tried to speak to you. Whew! Once a person figures people like that out, they are so easy to read.

  9. Tammy, thanks for that. I hope things will resolve in your family as well.

    fern, I don't know about worse, different, maybe, would be more accurate. Something I didn't see coming, that's for sure.

    Pepto has always been my friend until now. For some reason with this new problem it just made me feel really sick so I quit even trying to use it. I did begin using probiotics and that has helped but nothing helped until after I got my horse back. Still it's not totally resolved but definitely much better as time passes.

    Horses, I have to agree with you there. MD was a trial as a teenager and now it seems GD is too. I always thought being a grandparent was supposed to be easier than parenting. It certainly hasn't in this case.

    I sure hope that someday these things will resolve but it's really hard to tell. Thanks for the encouragement. I do know I did my best. It's sure not because I don't love them. that's the really hard part, I guess. You can't make someone feel loved, no matter how much you care.

    BECG, I know teenagers can be easily led, that's for sure but if that's what this is, I don't know. only time will tell.

    I was relieved to have Wendy there but WF had someone with her too. At the moment I don't remember who that was but I do remember thinking there was cause for alarm. There was something going on at the show. Later I was to receive a piece of information about it but who knows about the rest.

  10. is that rhett? it looks more like him than any other photo i've seen of him (and i'm not just saying this because the hair length matches *lol*)

  11. I'm glad you stomach issues are finally calming down, that kind of pain is incredibly debilitating. Eek!

    I wish I could say that GD will grow out of it and that this is just a teenager thing but, as Mare proves by being a great kid, that's a load of crap. My parents and I had an awful relationship when I was a teenager but I always treated my animals with the utmost respect and love.

    Maybe when she goes to college and moves away from her mother her attitude will turn around, but it seems like MD's negative influence is just too much right now.

    I like to think that at a certain point in your life you make a choice about who you're going to be, despite how well or badly you were raised. MD has already made a poor choice but GD still has time.

  12. The situation with your GD is truely sad. I really feel for you. It can be so hard to see a family member and someone you also thought of as a friend, to suddenly not give two shits about you. Thats really heartbreaking.

    Oh no, not only is the stress of the lawsuit taking over every available moment and thought, but its really impacting your body too? That truely must have been terrible. Please tell me it subsided after all of this!

  13. Seconding what Mare said. What a disaster :(

  14. Unfortunately, I know first-hand how teenagers can be led. I also know that the stress from deep family rifts can manifest themselves physically in ways you'd never, never guess were related: migraines, constant illnesses, cancer, fever blisters, and stomach upset--to name a few. I can see where this is going with GD and MD and am starting to understand why you are doubtful it will ever be resolved. The people who have the power to hurt us the most are the people we love the most.

  15. lytha, yes, that is Rhet. It is actually one of his "baby" pictures. He was about 8 months in that shot. And you're so right about the hair. He has tons of it. LOL

    smazourek, I totally agree with what you've said. While I know that MD and GD have been influenced by BG and WF, the ultimate choice has been theirs.

    GD might be just a teenager but she still knows right from wrong. No one was forcing her to be irreponsible with Dandy or be less than kind to me. She made those decisions on her own.

    I would never have treated my grandmother or my mother in the manner I have been treated even though each was pretty self centered and manipulating. I loved them and respected them because they were family despite the way I was treated by either of them as a child.

    I chose to be a different type of person than either my mother or my grandmother for the sake of my children so I know first hand we can chose to be who we wish.

    PHM, the issues with my intestional tract are subsiding, but not gone. I have not had an episode like the one described here since the lawsuit was concluded. I am hoping that someday things will have returned to normal in that regard.

    Dom, disaster is a good word for it.

    Linda, yes, the people we love are most definitely those who have the power to hurt us the most. MD is quite aware of that too and has chosen in the past to use that trying to destroy me. I thought she had matured beyone that but it looks like I was mistaken. It was disheartening to realize that was indeed the case and even more disheartening to have GD tied up right smack in the middle of the thing but then I suspect that was the whole point for MD.

  16. I am trying to catch up and have missed a lot. Just read the last two posts and holy crap!

    Pain like that can be incredibly hard to overcome and yes, it may seem like ages go by when it is really only a few minutes or less in some cases. The intensity is enough to stop your breathing, which is what you need to do to relax and make it go away.

    The whole thing with you GD is saddening. Yes kids are easily swayed and influenced by others around them. And while some of her actions may seem to be careless, they could in fact be done intentionally under the cover of carelessness. "Oh she's a teenager, she just wasn't thinking..." When in fact it is just the opposite.

    I agre with Mare and also what you have said in response. Not all of the kids involved in showing are irresponsible brats. IMO, from what I have seen- IF they are, it's usually if or because the parents LET THEM.

  17. CNJ, I have definitely seen that parents can play a role in kids being irresponsible at horse shows. It is frustrating to watch as a kid's bad behavior is enabled by a doting parent while the horse suffers. Personally I don't get the point, if the purpose of having horses doesn't include teaching a kid responsibility and commitment, then why bother. But then that is me and that is why MD and I are at odds over GD.

  18. I feel sorry for you and your family. Teenagers can be hard to deal with but by the time they are teenagers they should know how to act with a little respect. I know as a kid if I ever treated an adult or family member the way you are being treated, well, I don't want to tell you what punishment I would have had.

    I know part of the problem is caused by how your daughter feels too and she condones her daughters behavior. I only hope that they both grow up and realize that you're not getting any younger(none of us are) and they should put aside their petty nonsense and start treating you with a little respect and return the love they are offered.

    It's such a shame that this whole thing has caused you physical distress. I hope it gets better as the stress lessens. Hang in there.