Sunday, September 9, 2007

A Baby Boomer Dreams of Arabian Horses - Down a Rocky Road Part 4

Part 1 of the Baby Boomer Series

Down A Rocky Road Part 1

It has been ten years. To this day I cannot say the words out loud or even write them directly. If you look back over the posts you will see how carefully I have chosen my words. Telling the story but avoiding the words that still stick in my throat. I cannot notify the registry. I cannot, I cannot!

For those of you who have read "the other blog" and know more of my personal history, you might understand what this loss has meant to me. You might also understand that dealing with this loss has been complicated. It is an ongoing struggle.

While it's not my intention to cross over telling "my other story" here on my horse blog, I do think it's important to do so when it has a direct bearing on the story here. There is no way to explain the passion I have for Arabian horses without disclosing at the very least the gist of the secret the other blog holds. Arabian horses from early in my life have directly influenced my ability to hope. They have been my lifeline.

I have to say I worry about referencing the other blog, because I'm afraid that people will think I'm weird and stay away. But I don't think or feel that I can tell the story without telling the whole story, I am who I am. Scandalous made that ok for the first time in my life. She gave me the courage to face a world that had been nothing but torturous for me.

Mine is not the story of that first pony ride and falling in love with horses forever. On the contrary, mine is a story of the worst possible forms of child abuse. Abuses so barbaric most never survive and those who do usually are not sane. Mine is the story of a survivor healed through the love and trust of a horse.

I've written a Tribute to Scandalous on my website. Scandalous saved my life. She gave me a reason to live when I desperately needed it. I owe my life and my dream to that mare. She will always hold a place in my heart.

I live my life to do this wonderful Arabian mare honor . To me she was the epitome of what an Arabian horse should be not just a pretty face and good confirmation but a devoted friend.

This has been a difficult story to tell. Obviously if I can not bring myself to say the words, writing the story of her fate has forced me to walk smack into the denial that has protected me. But I didn't write it to confront my denial if I could hold Scandalous safe and alive in my mind, I would gladly do so.

I wrote it because if I could help someone else to avoid such a tragic occurrence there were be at least some good to come from my pain. Also, I wrote it because it changed the course of my dream. It affected every aspect of that dream and changed my life forever. I wrote it because it, too, has changed who I am.

The dream continues................

Now What?


  1. I've read you 'other' blog. I can only say that I admire you for surviving and becoming the person you are today.

    Many people's lives have horrors in them (mine included) but most never 'get a grip' on those experiences, deal with it, and move on. You have.

    Scandelous's story is heartbreaking, it took great courage to write it, even with choosing the words carefully.

    And it has definetly opened the eyes of more than one of your readers, so it was well worth the effort.

  2. Lady of Chaos, that you, your support is appreciated.

  3. Thank you for sharing Scandelous's story. Now, after reading this post and visiting your other blog, I am moved even more.

    I admire your strength and survival. Kudos to you for dealing with it head-on.

  4. ((HUGS!!))...I've read your other blog and I don't think you're weird and I certainly won't stay away. In fact I believe you to be one of the most courageous people I've had the pleasure of "meeting". You're one of my heroes and I look up to you. You've been through more then most people could and you survived it to go on to follow your dreams. I only wish I could be half as wonderful a person as you are. I applaud you for sharing your stories with us. I've learned so much from you and hope to learn even more. ((HUGS!!)) again and I'm in tears at this moment. I'm so sorry you lost Scandelous. The trip to the barn after reading the post about the tragedy I went out and hugged Diago a little harder. Every moment is a gift and because of you and your courage to share what happened I'll cherish them even more!

  5. I have read some of your other blog. Don't know what to say... I'm just amazed you have come through it all!

    And yes, I never really knew there was the danger of geldings doing that to mares - I knew they could sometimes cause mares to resorb pregnancies, but other than that I thought they were very safe 8-/

  6. I was saddened to read these stories about Scandelous. I had never heard about the dangers of turning mares in with geldings. Thanks for the information and my heart goes out to you.

  7. I recently found your blog and I just started reading your story! What an amazing journey. Sad, but amazing! I did NOT know that about geldings and mares. I have two geldings and I'm so thankful you told us what happened to Scandalous. It just might have saved me from a similar fate! THANK YOU for sharing her story, even if it is a tragic one. I can't wait to read the rest.