Of course my enthusiasm about the impending shower was definitely naïve. It had been so long since I'd experienced the luxury it was all I thought about. Had I considered the fact I had little enough strength to walk unattended, nor had I seen a shower within the scope of any of those walks, let alone I was expected to repeat the event three times a day for fifteen minutes each, I probably would have been not quite so enthusiastic. Surely I would have made some different choices when asked by the nurse about my preferences along the way.
I have always been unwilling to admit weakness. Even as a child I was trying to prove my strength and ability and that has never ceased. I guess that explains me starting my own horses even in my sixties among other things.
Now despite my weakened body I was unwilling to admit that anything had changed. Even noticing the muscle wasting had only a superficial effect on my expectations of myself. I refused to think I was anything but the strong, independent woman I have become over the years, yet in this current reality I was a frail, geriatric patient. My decisions were based on that false perception and unfortunately none of the nurses questioned those choices.
When asked if I wanted to walk or take a wheelchair, I chose to walk even though I had no clue how far it was. Fortunately I did make it to the shower but not without some assistance from the wall and the attending nurse. When asked if I wanted a chair for the shower I was able to see the need but only because that question was asked after we reached the bathroom with the shower. My limitations were clearly apparent at this point since my body quaked and my knees threatened to buckle. As the nurse vacated the room to locate a shower chair, I dove towards the toilet to catch myself lest I fall.
Luckily the commode was positioned right next to a half wall that formed part of the shower. I was so exhausted from the walk I didn't have the strength to support myself upright, instead I leaned against that wall and rested as I waited for the nurse to return. Luckily it took her several minutes to return so I had a little time to recoop enough so I could even get to my feet again. As I sat there waiting for her return I wondered how I was going to be able to manage this shower when I had barely managed to make it there.
To be continued.........