It was in between those visits, whether they were actually family or friends to see me or interruptions by staff, that life was a bit on the weird side. The power of the drugs given to me for pain drew me into a world very frightening and chaotic for me.
I am not a person who takes drugs of any kind if I can avoid it. I do not like that feeling of being out of control even just a little bit. I think life is difficult enough without being any less than alert to deal with its challenges. Being doped up for one of life's roller coaster rides was something I fought.
When left to my own devices, the drugs won out and I found myself unable to think clearly. My mind darted from one concern to the next before I was able to come to any conclusions that might have lessened my stress. I worried about the horses and my family continually. A variety of scenarios flitted through my head as I tried to balance this current blip in life's radar with my life at home and my horses.
There were so many possibilities and so many questions, I didn't know which way to turn and the drugs made it all the more heightened and dramatic. Ever since Dave's unemployment ran out last spring, I have struggled with what to do about the horses. I didn't want to dismantle my dream if it was unnecessary but I didn't want to wait until it was too late either. I wanted to do right by the horses, my family and my dream, if I could.
Lindsay and Dave have invested a lot in this dream of mine. We had hoped with a number something like 80% of all registered Arabian horses are over the age of twenty that we would be able to hold out until the market snapped back. With those kinds of numbers, it has to at some point and when it does, experts predict only the very wealthy will be able to own an Arabian horse.
We had hoped we would be able to be there to see that day. That way we should be able to build up a fund that would take care of Lindsay when we are gone. That has pretty much always been the plan and that is why I have hung onto my mares.
When Dave lost his job, it definitely rocked our thinking but we figured we had it covered. The unemployment ran out and we shifted again. Now as I lay in a hospital bed strung out on drugs all of those decisions bombarded me, mixed in with fears of the future. I tried to make sense of it all when sense was the last thing I had.
Over and over I went through each horse in my herd. I thought about what they meant to me, Lindsay or Dave and what they meant to the long term goals of my dream. I tried to prioritize them so I could make some kind of decisions. Instead clouds swallowed me up and then a wind blew me off into oblivion with them.
I desperately needed to gain some kind of control over the situation, to have answers to questions still unasked. Each time reality let me down and halucinations hauled me away to places that only frightened me more.
I was grateful for the interruptions caused by nurses, doctors and aids monitoring me. It seemed those were the only times I was lucid and while lucid meant I had my questions to deal with, the alternative was powerful enough it made me feel maybe I wasn't going to survive this ordeal.
I remembered back to those days when I had peritinitis. I had hallucinations like these then. I know how sick I was at that time. Everyone thought I was dead, it was just a matter of when.
Then I was just an eighteen year old abuse survivor. I really had nothing to hang onto. Somewhere buried in my subconscious was the dream of an Arabian horse but I didn't even know it was there it was buried so deeply. Now I feared as a sixty-four year old woman losing grip on that dream maybe I wouldn't be so lucky as I had been the first time.
I longed for a horse to bury my face in its mane and shed the tears that would not come. When such thoughts crossed my mind, I was greeted with warm knickers from a beautiful bay mare with three white stockings and large star. Next to her stood the snow white vision only recently lost tossing her head and throwing her mane and forelock every which way.
As much as my heart leapt for joy at the vision of the two beautiful mares who have long since stolen my heart, my mind jerked me to reality. The mares were so real, I could feel their warmth. Their knickers beckoned me but something told me to go there would be the end. Was I ready for that?
That question shocked me to reality but not for long. I couldn't help but start thinking about my horses at home and my family if something should happen to me. Yet, here I was in the hospital with something very real and vey frightening happening to me. I was drawn back into the cycle of thinking that only drugs can fuel. There were no solutions for me, the drugs made sure of that.
To be continued...................
Coming Full Circle.......
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