Monday, October 10, 2011

The Journey of 2011.................... Coming Full Circle..........

Part 1

Despite the wild rides from the drugs and the discomfort that was still there even with them, I remember waking up that next morning feeling better than I had felt in a long, long time. As that thought occurred to me, I knew how ridiculous it sounded having just had a very serious surgery. The pain and discomfort from the surgery, however, were mild compared to the way I had felt those last days before I'd allowed myself to be taken to the hospital but that wasn't the only change in how I felt.
For the first time in so long I couldn't even remember I had energy to face the day. It wasn't much and it sure didn't last long but it was there, none the less. For years and years I have forced myself through each day making myself do the things I love because I love them, not because I felt like doing them.

To be honest, I hadn't really felt like doing anything for years. I was exhausted before the day even began. I'd been told it was the change of life and to be expected so many times I believed it. I figured the only way I was going to get what I wanted out of this life was to push through the heaviness in my body so that's what I did.

Now, laying here in this hospital bed I realized it was the cancer causing such drain. It sucked up every ounce of energy I had and used it for it's own resources. I may not have known I was sick but I had been........and for a very long time.

Not long after this discovery, the surgeon arrived. I told him my strange discovery as he nodded his head in a knowing kind of way. Then he told me he probably wouldn't see me again at the hospital. He was going to be out of town for a while and I'd be home before he returned.
In the meantime one of his colleagues would be taking care of me and I could trust I was in good hands. He had already spoken to the other doctor and advised him he was to take things slow and cautiously with me or else. There was a twinkle in his eye that went along with that statement that somehow reassured me I needn't worry about this change in my care.

After the doctor left one of the aids came in asking if I was ready to go for a walk and the idea actually sounded really good to me. Once on my feet though, I was surprised at how shakey I was but I figured I could manage a short walk down the hall. I remember the aid asking me if I wanted to turn left down the hallway outside the door to my room. Just looking at the length of that hall exhausted me. Instead we took the shorter route, just past the nurse's station and back to my room. I promised the aid I would try another walk later but later never least on that day.

By mid morning I was beginning to have more pain than what should be the "normal discomfort" after surgery. Getting through those questions describing my pain was beginning to get to me. I guess my lack of patience at the questions should have been enough for me to know that my pain threshold had been broken but it wasn't. I was sure it wasn't really as bad as I thought and discounted my experience.

Somehow the nurses still managed to realize that something was wrong. Checking things over, someone discovered that my epidural was leaking fluid. While they would have preferred I maintain that method of delivery for the pain killing medication for at least another day, it was obvious the epidural was not working. The procedure to redo it was too risky so the decision was made to change me over to an IV pain killer.

That decision sounded simple enough but it was far from that. For whatever reason, I could not get comfortable on the IV pain medication. I was given one of those buttons to push when I hurt but I was getting no relief. As the day went on, I only got more and more uncomfortable.

Dave stopped in while he was out running errands to find me writhing in pain. The doctor had been called to see what would happen next and Dave went home more worried than he'd been when he came in. In twenty-four hours of time, I had come full circle and now I was right back where I started. Things were not looking good.

To be continued...................

The Fix.....

I've spent the day trying to put some information together on my horses which included viewing some of my videos on YouTube. Legs was such a smuck in this I thought I'd share it with you.

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  1. Seems you can't catch a break. You shouldn't have been in that much pain. It's a hard thing to have to go through. I'm sure they found a way to fix the medication.

    Legs is so beautiful.

  2. What a saga you have gone through. I sure hope you aren't in pain like that any more.
    Watching the video, I was thinking the if that was Beamer, he would have rolled within 30 seconds! Legs is such a beautiful color, he shines like a brand new penny.

  3. The increasing pain sounds ominous! And I know from talking with you it was. All I could think watching that vid of Leggs is "I turned down the chance to ride him???" Shakes head!

  4. He kicked out in that video, and my heart stopped.

    Please promise me when you're well you won't put anyone in that situation, ever, ever again? Playing those games free is what got me kicked by Romeo..

    *gasp* PLEASE don't do that anymore....

  5. Having been there with the C-section to deliver the girls and thinking I could tough it out for 2 hours and take all my pain meds at once, only to wake up in such pain I couldn't even breathe... Yeah, that sucks!

    Glad they were able to sort it all out and bring things around to a comfortable and manageable level.

    After years of no jugs of rocks to shake at the horses and make them work, I have to admit to chuckling at seeing that. Seems so foreign and odd to me anymore.

  6. I know things are hard right now, and look darkest as they say before the dawn. I gather from your post you may be re-evaluating your horses for sale, at least some. I know you are a breeder with a conscience and have tried to do right by your choosing of top quality mares to breed to Leggs, and I love the offspring! Unfortunately this market is terrible. I do know Addis is looking to list horses for their on line auction for this fall…(for those here not be familiar with Addis, it is NOT you average “horse auction “ with “killer” buyers. This is an Arabian auction site that used to be held in Oklahoma but has now has the internet to reach interested buyers worldwide! ) Just a heads up for you …as much as you love each and every one, downsizing to just a few at this time will allow you to rest and not worry so much but still have Leggs and a few others to work and to give you that much needed horse fix! I went through this a few years ago and now with just 2 and a 3rd ( bought at Addis) coming to join me soon, my life is so much easier. I enjoy my show horse and my retired horse and have time for a life outside which makes my husband happy! ( I could live in the barn but we have to make concessions sometimes lol) Continued healing thoughts from here in NC!

  7. This is one of the craziest rollercoaster rides I've ever followed. And to realize how little time this is all taking place in. So scary.

    I've been really enjoying the pictures you've been posting with this series, and that Legs...he's so gorgeous! And quite the devil as well lol.

  8. Oh my goodness Mikael, I can't imagine what is causing all that pain again. Very scary. You've left me on the edge of my seat again!

    THe video is great, what an absolutely gorgeous horse!!!!!!!!Why is it they love to roll when they are all spiffed up? Ha!

  9. I love the video, Leggs is so beautiful! All spiffed up and then he rolls, lol. Of course.