Sunday, August 4, 2013

Getting Sprung.........

 Part 1

That visitor meant a lot to me. She had no vested interest one way or the other in what she shared about my horses. Because of her experience with equine rescue I felt I could trust her input. 

She knew the difference between thin horses and starving ones. She also knew what it took to return abused and neglected horses to health. She understood what such horses looked like and acted like through all the stages of that process. She knew what changes could appear sooner and those that would only happen at the end of the process. She would know if a horse she was looking at had been in need or rescuing a few weeks earlier. She was not just another person with an opinion.....she was an expert on abused and neglected horses.

 Her opinion that my horses not only were well cared for now, but had been fine when Kelly Panowicz and Crystal Baker had been there, carried enough weight to take on the insecurities about my horses that still plagued me. After her visit I felt much more confident that my horses at home were ok without me there to check on them.

I wish I could say this woman's reassurance was enough to put all of my insecurities to rest but the fact I had been prey to Kelly Panowicz's ploy haunted me. I had been exploited because of my fears about what others might think about the conditions of the farm and the horses. She had used those fears to convince me and EF that there were problems much bigger than they actually were.

Crystal Baker had played on those fears too. Her tours through my farm also focused on the things that needed fixing as proof the horses were at risk. Going so far as to advise me not to call a vet for any reason because he would have to report me to Animal Control when in fact my horses were fine had compounded my already exaggerated fears.

The message I got through all of this was twofold.  I could not trust myself to ask anyone for help. The repair issues on my farm made me vulnerable to unfair scrutiny. Both of these made me feel like my horses and my dream were at risk.

I thought the only way to fix this situation was to get the repairs done. The problem with that was Dave and Lindsay were stretched to the max. They not only were trying to pick up the slack caused by my absence but they had all the emotional issues that come with having a family member fighting for her life. We all needed help but there was none to be had.

EF had suggested that I ask my friends for help. The problem with that was my close friends all had major health issues of their own. From emphysema complicated by heart failure to extensive foot surgery gone awry to cancer treatments of their own, my friends had to confine themselves to moral support because their bodies were broken too. The kind of help I needed wasn't going to happen there.

Family was not an option either. The harm that comes with child abuse does not stop when the child grows up. I confronted the abusers in my family and the entire family turned on me to support the offenders. It is hard to fathom but a common occurrence when victims speak.

As far as my immediate family I cannot explain the behavior of my oldest daughter. She is what she chooses to be not what she was taught by any means. I will not enable her bad behavior so she keeps her distance. There is no help to be had there either.

Somewhere in my mind waiting for me to get better for the repairs to happen meant I was letting my horses down. That thinking set me up for those, like Jessica, suggesting there was help if
they could just stay on my farm.

The longer I stayed in the hospital the more fear I had my farm was deteriorating even more. My body was probably the only thing really deteriorating but I just couldn't see it. That fear had me by the throat and I just didn't see none of this really mattered. What was important was getting back on my feet.

With all the weight I was carrying, it's probably a small miracle the doctors decided I was well enough to go home at all. I must say it surprised me because I had barely begun eating solid food. I had gotten no farther than this when the vomiting began and my gut shut down. I wasn't sure what the difference must be because it sure wasn't obvious to me.

Like my last hospitalization, there were issues with pain management when they transferred me over to oral medications. Nothing they gave me worked. I was writhing in pain pretty much all the time but I still wanted to go home.  The surgeon decided if I was willing to go being in that much pain, he was willing to let me go.

He made it clear he had real concerns about my mental health because of all the complications and the two extended hospitalizations. He figured the best thing for me was getting me home with my horses.

 I doubt he had any idea how much added stress worrying about my horses had become. Regardless, I wanted out of that hospital no matter how much pain I was in so I sure wasn't going to tell him the horses were adding to my stress........besides getting home meant I wouldn't have to rely on anyone else's opinion about how my horses were faring this time around. Now that I had confirmation there had been nothing wrong with my perceptions when Panowicz used my illness to exploit me, I could finally trust myself. That was definitely a good thing.

To be continued...

An Unexpected Betrayal........


  1. While the horses were a source of stress, I think knowing you were home in earshot at least of them has to have helped

  2. What a flippin roller coaster ride... Only without the part of it supposing to be fun and all of that. Dayum!

    Gorgeous pic!