Before I even went into the hospital for my third surgery, Jessica was already laying the groundwork for her plans for my family for after I got out of the hospital. Aside from the little bit of help I already mentioned, there was more taking on her part but none of us seemed to notice the lope-sidedness that was beginning to develop.
Such a big part of her hook had to do with the pretense she wanted to change, I guess we didn't realize we were the ones doing all the work. She supposedly had appointments for tests for school, social services and the like and Dave was the one transporting her because she had no car and a suspended license.
The time Dave spent doing for her took away from things needing done here but there was no attempt on her part to make up for that. Our concerns for her clouded our view. It just did not occur to us that our needs were equally great and that if she truly cared for us, as she claimed, she would have seen that and chipped in to get the work done that was put off to help her.
I asked all the right questions to be sure she was telling me the truth about her predicament and her plans to fix it but she was slick. She knew the right buzzwords and the process to use in her answers so her intentions seemed genuine. She also knew the right dilemma to tie the whole thing together so we would step in to save her.
It is no secret that I invited homeless people here to live in my backyard. I even posted about it here and Jessica knew the details because the woman did some advising on the lawsuit.
What better way to get her foot in our door than claiming to be working on turning her life around and then throwing in the final bait to assure she had us. We had passed her initial tests that showed she could get without giving, now she told us she was about to be homeless, a double whammy for sure to get our compassion working in her favor.
I can already hear the groans of my readers. And, yes, we did already have a full plate but that has never stopped us from wanting to help those in need.....so it didn't stop us now. We thought she needed help.....so that's what we tried to give her.
I am not an enabler even though those around me probably wish I was sometimes, I just won't be involved that kind of behavior anymore. I believe in accountability for myself and others. Keeping secrets not only fuels shame but it gives others leverage over us. Nothing about that is healthy. Ever since I did all that therapy and learned the harm enabling actually does, I have stepped up and taken the high road even though it is much more difficult.
Actually much I post on this blog is about holding myself and others accountable for behavior that affects horses and people in the industry. I try to adhere to the basic tenements of good journalism in the telling of the stories but I must admit sometimes in this particular story about these things that happened while I have been recovering I have interjected some of my opinions instead of sticking purely to the facts. Even so I will not sugar coat or manipulate the truth and I do my best to be fair and accurate. The whole point of telling these stories is so others can learn from my mistakes and maybe avoid the same pitfalls that got me. That wouldn't be possible if the truth was manipulated.
I guess I should add that I am not an enabler IF I can help it. I have pretty good skills to identify manipulations so I see a lot of things coming. Like all things human, there are games I do not see but I am pretty good at discovering when I have been played. When I do, I get myself out of such situations ASAP and I tell. Simple as that.
Jessica knew all of this about me upfront. Specifically she knew I would not condone or enable her bad or destructive behavior. Much of it was very obvious to me but there were definitely things I missed.
There had been other times when she was on the verge of homelessness when we had offered her assistance that she declined. There were terms she needed to meet before she could even move in which included cleaning out the room she would stay in because it was filled with collectibles from my eBay business and terms she must fulfill to stay with us. It was all spelled out and most importantly her stay with us must not be an expense to our already stretched finances. It was her responsibility to pay her own way. If she was to become a part of our household she must contribute just like the rest of us.
I always thought she didn't take us up on our offer because she wasn't ready to change. In hindsight I believe it was because she didn't think she could get away with her scam. Now that I was sick she smelled weakness in the air. In my vulnerable state she thought she could work me and get away with it.
To be continued....
More Ulterior Motives.......