After going through all the barns and looking at all the horses, the trainer came to the house and spoke to me. Her assessment of my horses seemed to be much the same as Kelly Panowicz
's had been in general terms although there was a contradiction on which mare was the one so thin Animal Control would have just cause to seize my entire herd.
In addition the trainer's focus really appeared to be more about the condition of my farm than that of the horses. If I had not already been freaked out by Panowicz's visit, I think Crystal's take on things would have given me pause to question its validity. She seemed to be grasping for issues instead of coming across as someone who understood what mattered.
Maybe she sensed my confusion over her observations about my herd because she quickly moved on to another tack to shore up her position. Beginning with her recommendation I not call a vet, no matter what, because he would be required to call animal control, Baker proceeded to reinforce what I had already been manipulated to believe. Then she pinpointed all of the repair issues on my farm saying those things would blur the objectivity of AC. She definitely wanted me to believe I was in violation of the law.
From there she told me I needed to be particularly concerned because the media would be all over the situation because of the news coverage of the twins' birth. There would be nothing the media would like more than to use my current situation to get ratings since the story of the twins had garnered so much play.
Then she claimed I had so many people out there" just waiting for the opportunity to her you," they would be all over this causing an outcry that would force officials to destroy me. I would be done as a breeder and my credibility in the industry would be unsalvageable.
She implied the only one I could trust to see me through this mess was her. She would stave off those questioning and assure them things were under control because she was on top of it. She had my back.
Remember, now, in actuality, my horses were fine. There was some minor weight loss but nothing near the point of neglect, the details of how I actually discovered this will be explained as the story unfolds. What is important about what both women said was it was all based on a lie and manipulations.
What I was seeing about my horses was, in fact, accurate but I had been convinced by Kelly Panowicz that I could not trust my perception become of how ill I was. Now, this trainer, who had the ability to truly help me in this vulnerable state, choose instead to sustain the lie.
It can be argued that both of these women believed what they were saying
was true but the same can be said of Angie Miller and Richard Galarza. The people who do such things groom themselves, as they do their victims, to believe their perverted perception is valid, thus justifying their actions. One small shred of truth, i.e. my horses were a little thin, was manipulated to justify stealing my horse and used as a weapon to convince me I should be giving my horses away. The reasoning behind this I will explain as the evidence and resulting realizations came to me in this journey.
Instead of giving me some relief from the tortuous anguish I was enduring because I thought my horses were suffering and it was my fault, this trainer choose to capitalize on the situation to further her own agenda. She also planted seeds of doubt about the community that affected my ability to reach out for help in a time I desperately needed it. I no longer knew who I could trust and I think that's exactly what she wanted.
While she has claimed that everything she said about people wanting to see me fall is true, what is important about her use of those words is the fact the horses were fine. Without the aspect of starving horses in the equation, there was no point to her telling me I needed to be concerned. It sure wasn't in my best interests to bring up such things if the horses weren't in trouble in the first place.
I was so sick I should have been in a nursing home. I was the only one at risk here. Certainly she was capable of seeing that or did she have ulterior motives?
Looking back it is difficult to understand how this affected me. The only way I can figure to explain it lies in the way my thinking was influenced by my illness. It is hard to relay how compromised the simple act of thinking can be when someone has been as sick as I was. As I have said before my denial about my jeopardy was strong.
The best example I can think of related to back when I was twelve. I thought I knew everything I needed to know to make adult decisions but science has finally proved that frontal lope activity is still developing until around 27 or so. While I felt my thinking was reliable, it was indeed not. Only when I had matured did I realize my thinking was compromised and my decision making skewed.
Twice in my life I am aware of believing my brain was functioning properly when it was not; back when I had the head trauma from the injury with Reflection and then during this illness. Only as normal function returned did I realize my thinking was impaired.
This phenomenon explains the vulnerability that occurs with extreme illness and even old age. Of course it is not something I realized at the time nor did my family realize it. I thought I was fine in my head. To me it was my body that was not working properly. Yet I was in actuality impaired on all levels.
I imagine this is why there are now laws to protect the elderly during these vulnerable times but I certainly had no understanding I was susceptible to such manipulations or that there were people out there busy waiting to pounce.
This hindsight has not helped repair the damage done because I was exploited during those times when I didn't realize my shortcomings. It would take literally months for me to understand both of these women's motivations but in the meantime the damage was done. I was caught worrying about the horses beyond my original concerns and now had the added weight that my deteriorating farm put me at risk of loosing everything I have worked to achieve.
This additional burden built on my stress, increased my vulnerability and compromised my healing. Unable to physically fix the problems, other than the feed issues, I felt compelled to find immediate solutions when really those issues were purely cosmetic and unnecessary for the horses well being or ours. That opened the door for those who search for such openings to exploit the situation to suit their own needs. The wheels were now set in motion and I drove right off the cliff convinced it was the only way to resolve the issues here.
So you tell me about this trainer, friend........or foe? She would have you think friend.........I believe foe. I will reveal the pieces that got me to that conclusion as the story unfolds but based on this alone, what do you think? And if you have pieces that will help fill in the puzzle of her true motives, I would appreciate hearing them.
To be continued.......
Free Horses Anyone?