A Return to the Journey of 2011.....Getting Home with Baggage

 




 Part 1

Despite the fact my pain management was not good with the change over to oral medication, no one at the hospital seemed to be concerned so I sure wasn't going to let it stop me from going home. The pain really wasn't much worse than what I had been enduring on IV medications for weeks already. It seemed to me if they hadn't fixed it sooner, they sure weren't  likely to make it any better by keeping me there. I needed out of the hospital and that was all that mattered to me.

The rest of the requirements for my discharge were lined up the next morning complete with a visit from the social worker explaining everything that was in place. It actually took longer for a nurse to get time to get my signature on the dotted line than it had taken for the social worker to make all the arrangements. My discharge was authorized well before noon but Dave and I didn't depart for the drive home until the evening rush hour , all because of under staffing.

In addition to the obvious issues of pain and wound care there were a number of other issues affecting me as well.  To understand what's to follow I think it is important to know those forces playing on me since each contributed in its own way to a chink in the armor that usually protects me from life's twists and turns.
The weeks of alone time had me feeling very isolated. While I had visitors after the first surgery, most everyone thought I had long since been discharged and the visitors had stopped except for Lindsay and Dave.

My other connection with the outside world had been in the form of blog comments left after the handful of posts either Dave or I had managed to do while I was hospitalized. Those comments had served as an important connection to my life and my horses. They helped keep me sane in a world turned upside down.

I posted a brief post when I got home trying to reestablish the lifeline online connections had been. Pain interfered with my ability to keep that going despite how desperately I needed it. Nuzzling Muzzles commented on an earlier post how important a touch of a friend had been during her bout with hospitalization. Well, comments have done that for me as I have struggled to hang onto the vision of a life other than crippling pain and disease. My  inability to reform those connections left the vultures of isolation preying on me daily.

During my stay in the hospital I had struggled trying to figure out the right thing for my horses. I have such a high standard for myself on how I think they should be cared for. There was no way this barn could be maintained like a show horse barn without my help. Dave and Lindsay are just not up to that task and with the second surgery in such a short amount of time I had no idea how long I was going to be out of commission. The responsibility weighed heavily on my shoulders despite the fact the horses were fine and living above the standards of most any horse people. They were not living up to mine and believing that was a problem that made me vulnerable in ways I couldn't have imagined.

To be continued....

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