Once Bey Aana was trimmed, I began showing the other horses to my guests. I was already exhausted from holding the two horses while they were trimmed but I was not about to leave this tour to Dave and Lindsay. I wanted to see these women's reactions to the condition of the rest of my horses. With what had been said this far I needed to know if their opinions would change when they had seen all of my herd.
The difference between me pushing myself beyond my limits this time and those past was my home healthcare nurse was part of this group. She could see my trembling body and insisted I must rest or there would be no tour and her grange buddies were in total agreement.
To accommodate their insistence, I changed my usual route to the inside stalls where I had access to hay bales. I sat on the bales sharing details about each horse while the women "ooo'd and awed" and loved on my horses. When I thought I had rested enough to appease my nurse, I moved the tour along making sure to keep places available where I could sit along the way.
These women didn't appear to be in any hurry except in terms of how looking at the horses was affecting me. When they couldn't get me to give up, they slowed down so I could rest longer before moving on. It was obvious their concern was more about me than free horses.
We talked about each horse and its pedigree and any past relatives the women may have known. We talked about my illness. We talked about my concerns for my family and my farm. We talked about what Kelly Panoweicz had done and why it was so inappropriate. It was clear they saw no redeeming factors in what k
Kelly had done despite her insistence she was motivated only out of friendship and concern for my horses.
Looking at the condition of all of my horses, there were no concerns about any of them as far as these women were saw it. " The horses are a little bit thin but endurance riders keep their horses lighter than this." and similar things were said. Included in their words were concessions for my health. It was clear their opinions all supported me and my condition and the state of my farm as well within reasonable norms for such circumstances. Nothing they said supported the perspectives of Kelly Panowicz or Crystal Baker.
Even with this, I still had my doubts, my fears. It would take more than the word of these strangers to convince me my horses were ok. With the beginning event wrapped so tightly around my dear friend, I needed something more.
Somewhere along the course of this visit, these women reminded me that anyone having such a life changing experience as my illness should not be making such important decisions as giving up on a dream or signing away horses until being well on the other side of the crisis. These words hit home to me. I still wasn't sure what the best thing for my horses would be but at least I realized I needed to avoid making rash decisions. I would be sure before I signed over anymore horses.
The most important gift these strangers gave to me was the first doubt about Kelly and Crystal's motives as well as some words I will not ever forget, " We could not in good conscience take horses from you in your condition. That would be morally and ethically wrong" and there was something about "that woman" stealing my horse.
More seeds.......but this time good ones.
To be continued............
The Fertilizer of Self Doubt