I finally managed to stop the deluge of tears enough to get myself to my feet and into the house. Physical pain racked my body while emotional pain savaged my soul. My mind raced in torment looking for solutions.
When Dave walked into the living room he was obviously angry. He had been present for part of the conversation but he had left before it was over. Realizing he had something to say about the day's events, I asked him what he thought.
Immediately, the anger spilled out as my usually stoic husband expressed his feelings that I had just been seriously bullied. Surprised he felt so strongly but hadn't intervened I queried him. That's when I realized he had left before the conversation turned to me giving her my horses.
Dave explained he had felt angry from her first comments about both him and Lindsay. He thought she was discounting all the work they both did but on the other hand he bought in to her saying neither of them knew enough to tell the horses weren't ok.
His self doubt about his ability to manage the farm without me clearly showed. It was confounded by the presence of my friend since he also believed she would not knowingly allow me to be harmed. He thought I was in safe hands when he left and he was so mad he didn't think he should stay.
The thing he was angriest about was the way "She badgered you to see things her way.". His impression was that she had been relentless. Instead of interferring he left thinking it was none of his business because he didn't know enough to be objective. When he left, he had no clue t her intent was to con me out of horses.
This information from Dave only confused me more. My fear my horses were in jeopardy was stronger than my sense of self preservation. I was stuck in this mode that my horses needed to be protected from me. Convinced I was not capable of judging what they needed and unsure if Dave should or shouldn't be trusted, I believed I needed to get my horses homes ASAP.
This turmoil continued on into the night. I tossed and turned, torn between determining how to give all my horses away and the memory of what had happened to a young gelding I had been convinced to give away many years ago.
That poor horse ended up in a sad situation and I felt like it was my fault. I had thought up front it was not a suitable match but I had been assured they would get appropriate help. I had been misled and the horse suffered. I vowed I would never give another horse away. Now I had done just that and was planning to give away even more. Whatever it would take to do right by my herd.
Visions of that horse tipping his head upside down, trying to avoid cruel hands played over and over in my head. Displaced only by stories of neglectful breeders allowing their horses to suffer because selfish egos won out over the needs of their horses. How was I to balance those two things? I could not, would not subject my horses to either jeopardy. Despite my illness I struggled to solve this unthinkable dilemma.
Daylight came and I had not experienced sleep. My body shook with fatigue and my pain levels rose to new heights. I still was no closer to a solution than I had been the night before. All the night time's distress seemed wasted.
The home healthcare nurse arrived to find me in this dreadful state. The very sight of me brought concern to her face. She questioned me to determine the cause of this huge reversal in my health. She warned me that I was I'm jeopardy. I couldn't afford to go without sleep, or food. Whatever had caused this needed to stop.
Of course her questions did not reveal the source of my downturn. The state of my farm didn't seem to me to be why she was there so I had only answered her queries in the context of which she had asked. I doubt it had occurred to her this was all about my desperation over my horses' health.
Before she left, I recalled that this particular nurse had asked me about my horses before so somehow I got up the nerve to broach the subject. I didn't know it at the time, but this nurse, who was not a horse person, would turn out to be my angel.
To be continued......