Saturday, March 5, 2011

The New Journey............. A Dicovery............

Part One

Sometime in the late spring, I learned that GD was telling people that I hated her. MD was also repeating to others that my GD believed that to be the case. People hearing it thought this information was being shared as some proof of some short coming in me for the purpose of turning others against me. This behavior was, however, having the opposite effect on the people that knew me. I have no idea how others were reacting to it.

I didn't know what to think when I was confronted with this latest scenario in the damaged relationship between MD, GD and me. Since I have never said I hate GD to her or to anyone else for that matter, and since it was not and is not the truth, I couldn't even fathom how GD could have gotten to that place.

The only real conflicts I am aware of between GD and myself are those I have posted about here on my blog and have to do with the care of my horses. Rachel and Grandma and the Arabian Horse Crash and Burn! and Rachel and Grandma and an Arabian Horse - Now What?
While they have resulted in me not wanting her to handle my horses until she will take direction from me, I can't really see how a kid would get from there to saying I hate her. Considering we really haven't had much of a relationship except around the horses, maybe that's the real issue, but who knows if she never says. I know I certainly could not get to that place of feeling or even saying I hate her from the things that had happened. I can't even imagine what it would take for me to say such a thing let alone feel it. That seems pretty extreme to me.

Yet, having been a teenager myself once, I wanted to be sure she knew that it is not true. I made a concerted effort to open up the lines of communication between us in a non threatening way. I even asked her point blank if she knew that I loved her. Her response had been a clear, "Yes. " Still any effort I made to bring us closer was met with nothing but resistance.

I also spoke to MD about this to see where she stood in all of it. She confirmed she knew I did not hate GD but suggested that GD did believe it. She also seemed to be determined that GD had a perfect right to feel as she did and even seemed to be in support of it. It was pretty confusing to say the least.

If any child of mine thought she was hated by people who really love her, I would be quite concerned and wanting to find a way to resolve the issue. It wouldn't matter what it took, even if that meant some counseling or other intervention of some kind, as long as the situation was resolved and the child reaffirmed he/she was loved. If GD believes she is hated by me or if she doesn't believe it but is telling be such, it just didn't, nor does it, feel like a good place for a teenager to be emotionally. I was and am quite concerned about GD.

At this point I really didn't know what to do to get through that barrier. It seemed like all I could do was keep doing what I had been . That would be there on the rail whenever GD showed and to offer support where I could.

I texted GD about horse shows including the up coming regional championships trying to find out when she was showing and where so maybe I could be there for her classes. I found out they had missed the deadline for the Region 4 Championships so they would be going to the Region 5 Championships instead because they could get into those without paying post entry fees.

Knowing that those entries had closed a month before the Region 4 entries closing date, I wondered how they planned to accomplish that. I suspected they planned on manipulating their qualifications to make it look like the required points had not been earned until after the closing of entries. They had shown at that later A show but the horses, at least GD's, were already qualified before that time. Using those later qualifications solely to avoid post entry fees was not appropriate or legal .

Knowing at this point that I probably really shouldn't trust MD or GD, I wanted to know what they were up to. If they were indeed manipulating qualifications to avoid post entry fees it would tell me a lot in how much MD and GD were really wavering from the ethics they have learned from me. That would help me get a clearer picture of where things were headed between us.

To obtain this information I tried to approach the subject in a matter of fact way (something I am always careful to do whenever I deal with GD). I did not accuse anyone or criticize . I just asked questions to gather information and I gave a little input without judgemental wording.

I did make sure she understood if there were enough points earned before the closing date, post entries were required. What I learned was that they did know that. They were going to use only points they had earned after that closing date so the show secretary would not know they had been qualified before.

Of course I knew that would only work if the show secretary did not cross check the qualifications as provided in her job. All the years I have worked on horse shows, I only saw one regional show secretary who really did verify qualifications. I had not worked with this new show secretary so I didn't know if their ploy would work or if they would be caught.

I did not tell GD that this was cheating but I believe that she does know that manipulation of the facts is indeed lying and therefore against the rules. This behavior is certainly not within the realm of what I consider to be acceptable. I was quite disappointed to know that she and MD had participated in such deception but I kept that opinion to myself. I did not want GD to be any more defensive with me than she already was.

In disclosing this information GD mentioned that WF was the one taking care of such details. I couldn't help but think that this was one more way that WF and BG were driving a wedge between MD, GD and me. I wondered what more they were up to and what was the purpose of this plan of bringing MD and GD down to their level. By now I was pretty sure that everything they did had some kind of ulterior motive.

Before this conversation was over, I had asked GD for the specific classes she would be riding in at the Region 5 All Arabian Horse Championships. She said she didn't know but promised me she would get back to me so that I could be there when she showed.

I was not planning on showing at that Region 5 All Arabian Horse Championships myself. It is a two hour drive from our farm. To be there for GD's classes, I would need to know when since I would be coming solely for that purpose with the exception of the yearling halter classes which I would try to attend. I made sure that GD understood that I was relying on her to know when I needed to be there to see her ride. I thought it was a reasonable request of a teenager. Was I wrong?

To be continued.....................

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  1. Perfectly reasonable request, but I fear you were again being manipulated at the hands or at least at the instigation of BG and WF. I gather you were not advised of the classes in time to show up to watch an support? putting yet another nail in the coffin of your relationship

  2. From what I'm reading here you're not wrong. It's a reasonable request to be informed ahead of time so you could be there. I'm guessing she didn't tell you the right time.

    It's such a shame things have deteriorated so badly between the three of you. I'm sure that her trainers? being the dishonest manipulators they are had a lot to do with how your GD and MD are acting towards you. What horrible people. Hopefully, someday they will see through these two and know they were being played. Good luck.

  3. fern, you have that right. She didn't get back to me with that information.

    Arlene, I hope you're right but things went farther here than you can imagine.

  4. Perfectly reasonable request. I also agree with your assessment that if WF was assisting there were obviously ulterior motives.

  5. Spoiled little girl and manipulating fun fun. It's a shame your granddaughter didn't have the respect for you to just handle your horses in the way you much drama that could have potentially been avoided...

  6. I wouldn't have given you a plug nickel for my kid when he was a teenager, it sounds like for the same reason you have doubts about yours: the rules apply to everyone else, except [them]. It's a teenage thing.

    It may have to wait until she's older to mend that relationship.

  7. Yes, I agree, it was a reasonable request, but it appears something was happening under the surface with BG and WF and them, so I don't know. It's very, very easy to manipulate the feelings of teenagers--by the people they trust, that is. If she put her trust in her trainers, which most people do since that relationship becomes so close and vulnerable, she was probably taken advantage of. Which is why MD should have exited that barn as soon as she knew there'd be a lawsuit between all of you. :(

  8. I can't say enough what an inspiration you are to me in reading your posts about all this!

    Your perserverance and strength in an effort to make all this right is so obvious through your words that I can almost touch it.

    People like WF and BG do not belong in the horse world... and I'm not sure they would fit in anywhere with those kinds of values..well,actually I do have an idea where they would fit in - but I won't taint your blog by mentioning it :)

    I won't say that I never accused my family of "hating me" when I was younger, but it was usually during times of an disagreement or argument and we always "made up" in a matter of hours. I chalk that up to the immaturity that most kids have.....and those moments were not the norm....

    It's obvious though, that this goes beyond that kind of immaturity. No doubt the toxic environment that BG and WF have provided to MD & GD has a lot to do with it.

    All I can do is read on and shake my head at the fact that there is no law that prevents a horrible person from turning someone against their own family.

    My heart aches for you....and at the same time I have an HUGE amount of respect for you in how you are doing your best to handle the situation and trying to make things right. I can honestly say that I know I would not have the same amount of grace under such pressure.

  9. I don't really understand the post entry qualification thing. So the horse has to earn enough points to qualify for regionals, and if they're earned after a deadline you can enter without paying post fees? But if they're earned before the deadline and you enter after the deadline you pay more?

    The whole MD/GD thing really sucks. I hope that as GD grows up some more she'll reevaluate her relationships and start to value you again.

  10. Nicole, It's comforting to see that everyone agrees it was a reasonable request. Sometimes I feel like I am expecting too much and maybe that is the problem. I just don't know anymore. It's a sad situation to be constantly pushed away and yet be blamed for it.

    Mare, I feel that way too. Had her mother not been so defensive about me holding GD accountable for her carelessness with the horses, none of this would have happened. It was me trying to get her around other kids that even got the door open for this whole mess. I feel like I set us all up to be exploited once I made that first request to stall with them so GD could be around the kids in that barn. Who knew that road would lead to this.

    Leah, I know what you mean,I wouldn't have given you a plug nickle for MD when she was a teenager. Her acting out was horrible. But she is an adult now with children of her own and it seems she's still got that same old anger boiling over at me. The post she claims offended her is just does not warrant the rage she has focused at me. I am at a loss. As for GD, she is following suit for both MD and WF and BG. It is a sad situation for all of us that they are being so manipulated.

    Linda, I so agree with you. Had they left the barn when they knew of the lawsuit, there might have been hope for our relationship. As long as they stay there, I believe they'll stay focused on me as the cause of their problems instead of seeing the real issues. I'm beginning to think I might do a series about the dynamics there so maybe others might avoid the same pitfalls. It is very sad that GD is not the only kid caught in their trap.

    Carol, thanks for the kind words. I really do hope these posts will help someone who might be fall victim to such practices. As for GD, had she said this to my face, that might have been one thing, but the way she was saying this to others was beyond a flare up of emtion. Those talked to felt she was deliberately trying to get people on her and MD's side against me. I have learned a lot about what others think about MD and GD and it has been heartbreaking in itself. I just don't understand how this happened.

    Funder, you are spot on. The horse must have earned so many points to qualify for each class they want to show in. Once they are qualified, they are qualified regardless of how many points they earn. However, for horses that aren't qualified before the entry closing, they can still earn their qualifications at later shows. Those qualifications earned after the closing date, post entries do not apply.

    If a horse is qualified before the closing date, it is already qualified and not eligible to avoid post entry fees just because it earned more points. Post entry fees for horses qualified before the closing date but entering after it for regionals are double, I believe. Which in this case would be $110 per class.

    I hope someday things will change with MD and GD again, too. Right now it's hard to see that might even be possible.