Fate...........and a Blogging Friend..........

I've always wondered if somehow something happened to me, what would happen to my blog? Would it just fade away into oblivion leaving my readers wondering what where I went? Would my family even think about letting these people I've become so attached to here know? Probably not the usual thoughts about one's blog but I guess at my age it makes a little more sense. Being prepared for such a time is part of what goes with the territory of aging.

If you're questioning why I'm posting such a thing, it has to do with the fate of a blogging friend of mine. I learned this morning that my friend, Barn Goddess, from Ramblings on the Reservation is gone......gone as in over the rainbow bridge, gone as in I'm never going to see her. Gone as in our date to meet up in Tulsa is forever gone.................gone.

We had plans to meet at Tulsa last year. It didn't happen because Barn Goddess ended up having surgery just before my trip. We talked on the phone while I was there, that was as close as us actually meeting ever got.

We already had plans for my next trip to Tulsa in 2011. We both promised that nothing would get in our way. I couldn't wait to put a face to this person I have grown to love. I couldn't wait to give her a REAL hug because I've known for quite a while that she really needed one.

Over the last year or so, Barn Goddess has pulled back from the blogging community. Her posts have been few and far between but we were in email contact, not enough to satisfy me, but enough to have a little pulse on what was happening with her. She was having a tough time. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and tell her it would all be ok but I was forced to respect her boundaries and just be there if she needed me.

My last communication with her, she was the one consoling me. We were 'talking' about this lawsuit and how devastated I feel. My life has been so consumed with legal matters, I haven't thought about much else, although Barn Goddess has been in my thoughts quite regularly along with others of my blogging friends.

With not nearly enough time in a day to deal with things here and communicate individually with my friends, I had not heard from Barn Goddess since early July. At that time her conversation seemed to be light and warm as we discussed our Tulsa plans and concerned and caring as we talked about my issues here. I hoped that excitement I heard meant things had turned around for her. I knew she had been struggling with her life too.

I found out today she passed on July 18. Her sister posted a comment on her blog today with the news. There are no other details than the date and that she is gone. I don't even know what to think except for how much I am going to miss my dear friend. Just knowing she was there if I might need her has always been comforting. It is with a heavy heart I wonder if I let her down.

It's funny how such a relationship can be formed over the internet. We were tuned in to each other in a way hardly experienced. We sensed each other's pain and each other's joy even when it was unspoken. Sometimes I would just "feel" the need to touch base only to find that something had happened. She did the same for me. Our timing of such contacts always seemed to be pretty darn close to the other's need.

I have had that sensation for a while now that I should reach out to her. Unfortunately I did not act on it as I have in times past. Now, I am left wondering what "it", that feeling, was about. Was it about her death, or was it before her death? Was there something I could have done for her?

Not knowing anything at all is hard, even harder than knowing she's gone. I wonder about her family and how they are coping? I wonder about her horses and what is their fate? Symptoms of this new wonderful world of cyberspace relationships, I suppose. The down side to new relationships forged. Who knew it would be like this?

I will miss her stories of Scooter, Wee One and Bubba and the new horse, Louis. I would be remiss not to mention Marvin, the cat, whose cantankerous tickled me. I was so looking forward to takes of Marvin's adventures with the newest feline addition to the reservation. I miss you Barn Goddess! May you rest in peace.................


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